Last night, I was able to get myself into the packed Royal, for the prerelease party/concert for Royal Bliss. All four groups were people I love. Opening it was Spencer, a dear man, and real friend, with his bluesy rock. Next, American Hitmen, and following was Opal Hill Drive, then royal Bliss. My friends found me while Spencer was playing, so we hung out together, dancing to his music, later, we kind of got more into a gyrating grinding game... you know, looking like we were humping in a line... I was sandwiched between husband and wife, her ass rubbing against my bell(she's got long legs) and him thrusting against me... hand on my ass guiding me and making sure he was between my cheeks... It was fun for a bit but the heat on the dance floor was high and that action was making it worse for me... as things were I'd had my CD shoved down the front of my pants, into my panties and that was awkward, feeling hard corners against my hipbones wasn't comfy, so, at one point when she and I went to the bathroom, I'd shoved it in the waistband in back.. easier, until he went back to grinding on me... oh well.
Some time later, while Opal Hill was performing, I got tired of the heat, and crush of the crowd. the play between them and me had ended an hour prior, so no need to think THAT was the reason.. well, I really DIDN'T want to go back that, either... to be honest, I'd rather be grinding against a single guy, flirting and enjoying him... I honestly needed a break, so went in search for Spencer and another guy I adore, for hugs.. but that point, I NEEDED hugs. Reassurance and comfort were needed. I was lonely for Lanky's presence, and one of the songs I love by Spencer... well, it'd reminded me of Alex. I needed to step back. I didn't get to hang out with them for long, and thought of leaving, and calling it a night. I knew I'd come undone if I couldn't just stay put and relax. I found the fireplace and stood with one knee bent, foot against the stone and my hands feeling the cooler air there, as well as placed flat against the smooth cool stones of that impressive setting. I couldn't really see the performance by then, but I honestly no longer cared.
Later, my friends, the couple I adore, found me and she hugged my warmly. We'd taken a break earlier, to go outside together, as she poured out her heart to me about some things we've got in common, and I loved her trust and ability to let ME comfort her, as she's done so many times lately, for me. I love her, and don't want our play to ever get between us. I admire her and love the relationship she has with her sweetie. They seemed pleased to know I was still there. Later, the lead for Opal Hill Drive pulled me in for another hug, saying again, how glad he, his wife and daughter were, to see me there. It's been months and months, and I love them, too. Good people, and good friends to me, he and his wife. Before the concerts had started, I'd had one of his friends take a photo of us together, for Lanky. I look forward to printing it for him. Each of the people who matter most had relayed messages for me to extend to him, and I was pleased of that. Spencer found me again, and several times came up to me, to pull me in close for a long hug, and whisper, "are you okay?" and "How are you, Dawn?"
... what could I say? What can I say to people who love Lanky, about my worry over him? And how to express my loneliness for the one man I know has loved me more than he loved life, and gave it to me? How do I share my heartaches? He also mentioned seeing me dancing with my friends on the floor... Spencer also made a comment on how glad he was that I'd stayed, that he thought I'd left after he'd walked away, that he'd seen me dancing with my friends, and just kept asking how I was, while holding me close. I admit I needed his warmth... the warmth of his friendship and concern. And, that being held so close to such a good and dear man felt good. He's strong and lean, yet so muscular and broad. Anyway, he's a good man, and good friend, and I realized last night, just how true that is. I needed him.
Today I was awakened by the birds who've built their nest in the shingles on the wall of my apartment.. scratching fighting and fussing near my window. The sun was up, and I'd gotten almost enough sleep... it was enough, since I was eager to work on my apartment prior to going north to see Lanky. I got quite a bit accomplished and I'm so glad of that.... I want to take this chaotic mess and turn it back into the nice orderly home it once was. I need it, for myself, and for my sanity.
I had a good visit with my dear friend, and loved our conversations... smirks, especially the look on his face when I described the sandwich dancing last night with our friends. He said he could picture it very well, and that I believe... something similar has happened a few times before, just, never a pussy goosing, or the full relaxing of all of us, to just being a naughty "threesome". By the way, I discovered I REALLY am not into women. *Nods, and then shakes head and rolls eyes* Anyway, I shared greetings and well wishes from our musician friends... and when he said he woud be buying the CD for himself after I admitted I'd listened to it twice the day I'd gotten it... I told him no. He repeated himself, so I had to explain that while in the line, waiting with hundreds of others, to have my CD signed.. I'd bought him his own cpy of it, and had the guys autograph it, for HIM... and that when they hear this was for him, how they'd responded, and what they'd written on it. They LOVE this towering guy. Anyway, I passed other messages of concern and acceptance, and, from our friends, that because of the job the man does, he knows where he is... relaying the message that he's still his friend, asking if he's okay, and that he expects honesty with his friends, and that they won't judge him, or me. Anyway, tears were shed, in appreciation and, well... it was a good visit, he thanked me, and explained that these visits mean more to him than letters. Seeing, and spending time helps. I'm glad i can give him this gift. He's a good friend, and I'm glad to have him.
Later, I'd called TJ, he'd tried to reach me, when my phone was muted and my daughter and I had spent time this morning, cleaning and talking this morning, before I'd left. We had a wonderful conversation. I'm grateful for his friendship and for his love. One of the finest men I've ever known. Nods and wishes a hugglesnug around him. He gives good ones.
I'm working on breathing, letting myself release my grief and learning my lessons on acceptance that I'm alive and he's not.
I'm grateful for the good men who're examples in my life. And, who're friends, who seem to sincerely care. I need them.
