I got to the concert late.. I'd only been to that place once, as a passenger, not driver. But it was great to hear the guys throw themselves into a reunion type performance. I got them to pose for me, for a couple of photos. And I'll print them up and mail them to Lanky, as well as share with him how cool it was to go there last night. I survived going to a concert alone. I didn't stay as log as Issac had asked me to, but it was enough, for me. I needed time with my daughter, and to get rest so I can head up to see Lanky today.

I'll be okay, once I can get my life back into order... the catastrophic disorder in my home sorted out... and grieving achieved for two men, and for so many other things and issues I've refused to allow time for. I want to take my life and make it mine. And I need to recognize that I'm still a woman, someone who loves music, and the musicians I've come to know... and, I'm human. Fallible, weak, strong and challenged... struggling to make it on a meager living, and struggling to push through against the odds I've been given. I have no choice but to try.

I'm overwhelmed by the job. I wish I had help. But, I don't. There is just me. Not even my daughter to rely upon. Just me, myself. *sigh*

one foot forward.

Time to shut off the lights, and slide deeper into my covers, it's going to be sunrise in a few more hours... and I need to be capable of driving that 1/2 to and 1/2 from the jail. And, i need to be full of positive news for a sweet, and troubled soul, So that I can provide him some vestige of good, to hold in his mind and to treasure.

I'll be going to see a performance tonight, after all of my determinations to not go see anyone... ahem, except Wayland in three weeks. I've GOT to get hugs from three adorable young men I love... nods, I just HAVE to... even if just to say hi for a moment prior to their performance, then leave... I need to see these sweeties, that, the first time I'd met them... I teased about them giving me reason to reconsider refusing to become a Cougar.

And, I thought it might be nice to give Lanky something more positive to hear about from me, this weekend. My friends... I'm anxious about that tall and mixed up man. I'm worried over some things he said last time I went to talk with and see dear face. He'd mentioned a young man who'd been released one day, and was back, the next... and told him he's going to the pen before the week's up. We know there's at least two things to be concerned over, with Lanky's sentencing... so I suspect he's figuring he'll be sent that young man's way. When I'd told him that a good friend of his had offered to keep his plight to himself, if he wanted his support... he told me to tell anyone who asks about where he is and when he'll be back, that he isn't... he'd also told me that he wrote a very long letter to his sister, and a long one to his ex and children... and that he'll be writing one to me, too.I'm scared, my friends... I KNOW how close that man is to the line. And I know how damaged his soul and his mind truly are... as in brain damage. Just how close he'd be to death with another fall and bounce off of a wall or something. I am truly worried for this man who's been of support, and, one of the most close to me, in knowing me, as I am...

My daughter told me with tears in her eyes, just how things will be for him if the suppositions are founded. She also said that if he chooses suicide, or something like it, over the feared nightmare of that as his next transition... that it'll not be because of me. I'd saved him and that I'm doing everything that I can to help, love and support him. I'm still scared for him.. and I'm so lonely.. grieving for two men who have been the closest ones to me in my life. I'm in pain. True anguish... and yet, I need to be filled with positive FOR HIM.

So, I'll go to the concert for a while and embrace three young men with real talent and true hearts. And remind them of two people who've loved their music. Lanky, and me.

I feel like there's some aura about me.. people step aside and avoid sitting beside me at work... I suppose the pain can at times be a tangible thing?

Anyway I was just contemplating how diverse and glorious my family is and how greatly it continues to expand, to grow and evolve... and I'm in love with family. The unification that a positively charged family can have. The strength of the adhesive bonds between us all, can be and the good it can provide. So far, I've added only 77 of many family members I've found on that shameless,y famous and monopolizing huge site FB. And that's simply because I've overlooked who knows how many?

I'm being blessed with the books I'm reading, positive information and upliftment within their pages. And, I realize how right people are... my gift to the world would be in my prose, my words... sharing the most fairy tale reality I've experienced in my own life and the love and patience and compassion I've recognized within myself, and that I've gained from it.

I guess being a dreamer might not be a bad thing after all?

wasn't all bad. My voice was harsh and raspy, but by the end of the workday, it seemed better. A little bitty bit.

I ruined that though, by singing to a few Daughtry songs from my CD while in the car with my kidlet. I love his songs. Especially that new album Baptised. Divine!!!

Anyway, now, I'm groggy, due to PM cold meds... feels nice. Planning n a decent night's sleep.
I'm hoping.

tired, but doing okay.. so long as you don't hear me talking. *sigh* I've got a plugged up dose, and barely any voice... yeah, I whisper as things are, but I got comments from everyone I handled calls from today. Shaking head.

But, I got to talk with a friend from NN, and with my sweetheart's oldest sis... she's going to be sending me a few of Alex's things. She insisted I needed this one jacket of his. Anyway, how I love her and so many of the others in his family. God, why did you do this? I needed to be an official part of his family, not just honorary.. How I yearn for him...

I'm making a necklace or maybe some earrings out of this stuff. copper wire wrapped BIG faceted amethysts,and copper beads, for Lanky's little sis. Her birthday is coming up and IF I'm able, she'll have something special from me for her day.. but has to be fast... she's flying to Germany for her job. Anyway, she'd loved my big necklace, and commented on it when we'd met and spent time together. I'm going to send one of my dream catchers, to his parents, too. I plan to see him tomorrow, or Thursday. And then on the weekend too. I need to see him as much as he needs the visits from me. Weird?

I'm tired. I'll be going to bed soon.
But before I go... I want you to know that I'm still floundering, but I have no choice but to be me and bounce back. I'm sick and can't shake it...
and I'm so tired these days..
grieving takes so much out of me..
but it's such a learning experience, and a privilege to feel it help me.
I need to get through this and see an end to it... SOON.
I need to be able to handle life, and shake this funk that keeps taunting me.

can't sleep

can't breathe out by dose... *hevy breathing*

ugh, feeling misgeribbibble...

I'm so not right in the head at the moment..

Time for some heavy duty cold meds?
Naw, some Benadryl...

hmmm, on top of the already taken daytime cold meds..

shaking head, no wonder I'm not asleep!

when I think it'd be best for me to leave my pussy alone, and ignore it's pleas for satisfaction... rubbing her hasn't produced much lately. until the other day, a squidge of an itty bitty O... just a mite of one...

*sigh*

now, she's still umm, ermm, well, rewarding me for my efforts??

seriously???
squirtles is still drooling down there. My fingers were pruney because of the success I'd had this morning with it and I licked and lapped it off my fingers, as in old days... a couple years back...
but now... still leaking and dripping HOURS later???
Cummm onnnn, I need a break...
shaking head...

I'm thinking it's a menopause thing.
Gotta be
but it's all wonky!!!
My body is backwards.. seriously weirding me out...

time for tampons to soak it all up... and so it goes...

Blushing a lil... maybe.. then again...

after feeling dry... as in uber dry for a while there... this is kind of nice in a twisted sort of way...

wet relief and a sigh... maybe I'll just give her a reason to be wet and play again...
I wonder when my hedgehog vibe will get here... ordered it almost a week ago.

still sick... so sick I had to take a Monday with mandatory OT off... and I needed that overtime.. Dang it!

I worked out an O after sleeping in... good thing, it was even juicy... yayeee, mee... I'm feeling normal sexually sorta...

The weekend went okay but I'd pushed myself far too hard. Went to work on Saturday as you know, I was too boo hooie to handle it well... my daughter came home with present overload... one of her dad's sisters had sent her a kindle her dad bought her a cute girl hedgehog charm for her pandora bracelet, and his fiance bought her a Barnes & Noble gift certificate. I'd gotten her....
weird stuff...
panties that looked like bright colored tightie whities. bikini version.
some funky bright sets of socks... oodles of them, for my sock freak.
And an awesome blouse, bright hot pink. My glow in the dark daughter... oy.
we went to my sister's for little dude's party. He was stoked with his Angry Bird Magnets and candies... one of my nieces had saved a couple of her cupcakes just for us, which were nummydivine. and we had a good time... though I walked into the guy's corner and got the conversation from well... drunk guys who're ex-military... yeah, sexual kink and trash. So, like statuses and stuff here... talked about drinking and then they brought up their favorite topic.... sex, specifically their experiences with threesomes... oh boy did I turn three shades of red. They all insisted it's not worth it with anyone you know,
strangers... added to a couple, maybe... I just squirmed and said, I'd had offers but I wasn't ever pulled into one...

Gah, later, my daughter advised me that her cousin to be and her uncle's best friends will never see me as they used to... now, they'll wonder about my exploits? I'm tame, aren't I?

Sunday I couldn't sleep in as nicely as hoped, so up I got.. showered and threw clothes on to head out to see Lanky in the jail. We talked nicely about his family about his future and my grieving. I mentioned he's grieving, too, about so much these past few months, and how this time apart can be our times to heal, if lucky... I thanked him for being so concerned for me and my daughter and our welfare, and he begged me to take care of myself, and not overdo, and also asked me to please check into his place and his things and to get a few things there that he'd asked me to get, to sell off and, other things he'd promised to me, as well as a few things he'd want to use later... and to talk if possible with his landlord.. We also talked about his situation there.

Later, I'd driven back up to that area to show the cool looking malls to my kidlet, and we bought some clearance stuff for dirt cheap. 90% off is kind of irresistible at times, you know? We also went to a Barnes & Noble where she eventually found the author she needed to acquire more books from... we both adore Janette Evonovich. Her gift card is almost empty, but she'll figure out a way to milk every penny out of it.

We also went over to Lanky's place and took home several things he'd told me I could have, or sell and asked me to pack away for him. I talked with the land lord who seems like a laid back nice guy. And, I figure I'll go over and collect some foodstuffs I could use and am running low on. Olive oil for one thing... he's got two huge bottles of it. *drools from a girl who was raised on Mediterranean cooking.*
I'll be working on reorganizing my apartment and simplifying my life, while the tall one's gone... so that whether or not he comes back to me, or we stay just friends... I'll have a more relaxed home-life. I need that.

My daughter and I had a long talk about our mother daughter relationship, after both our shopping trip and our return from what once was Lanky's home. How scared she is of being made to leave me and that she's doing everything to prove that she loves and needs to be with me, not with her asshole of a dad. She also told me he'd admitted he was the worst kind of dad when he was with us, and apologized to her. I hope he'd meant it. He really was deplorable... I MEAN it, he treated WOrSE than he did ME.
Yes, Really

We also talked about Tall and Lanky, of Alex and her sorrow and feeling of guilt over her refusals to see, talk or move to have us live with him, and how he'd impacted her heart, eventually, it was just too late by the time she'd realized it. She also told me that Lanky hadn't passed any of her tests or her evaluation... saying Alex had... and that she was always more protective of me and bitterly loud about her assessments of my choices, because of my past with her father. She wants to best for me. I kind get it, but I also know she'll never allow me to be happy. She does get unforgiving and judgmental. Trust me, she's a harsh woman at times. But, she'd also said Lanky had changed and had gotten to be close he'd shown her kindness and a view of a man who was trying to make up for his wrongs and proved he loves his kids. She also pointed out that he was weak. That I'm stronger than about any other woman she's ever known... and that she's stronger than Lanky, too. Tougher and more capable of handling stress. Huh, wow, cool observations.. she might be right on that one... She also pointed out that this timing is perfect.. She told me I'd allowed him in this way because of his need and mind and both of us being lonely. It was rebound, she told me she knows I can't handle being bossy and he needs that kind of woman. Someone to rule over him, control his money dole it out as needed and to run him in every way. Someone to be Mommy. SHe said it would drive me crazy and one day I'd crack and finally find someone good enough for me. She told me she doesn't want him hurt like that, because he'd grow to love and need me and he'd lose me after growing to love me enough. Again, she'got a valid point. She then pointed out that at least if I were going to chose to be with him, I needed it to not be rebound. But a choice with lucid thought and determination from both of us. And I wonder if that's possible for and from him. I honestly doubt it.

Today I woke up sicker than a dog. Bloody nose and mucus, ughhh. I'm not well. I called in sick and I'm resting. But, I also am onto something. I'm writing and reworking a letter to Lanky. A letter informing him of choices and the power of the effect, rippling through lives of others. I admonished him to consider this a perfect time to go through the process of dealing with his severe addiction... reminding him that it actually took threats and removing his phone and computer from him for him to alter his ways. He'd still been playing and flirting with other women while with me... Anyway, suddenly things are more clear and I realize that in grieving we all have to go through much of what he needs to go through. He too is grieving but more for his freedom and the life he'd had before his accident. But, he'd been playing way back then. Cheating and using sexual play with others to relieve the lack at home. I understand it, I did it too and it led me to my freedom from abuse. Weird, but true...

But when it leads to losing everything and everyone you've loved and creates their sorrow, too. Oh, how destructive this can be. I've seen so many families shattered by addiction to porn, or sex with others, sexual play and to substances, too. So many kinds of addictions that make people lose their ability to distinguish or care about right and wrong, reality and fantasy... and it saddens me. Don't let it happen to you. I also mentioned my one terribly wrong choice. That one was my choice to stay with an abusive man for decades far too long. Decades. Can you imagine KNOWING that he or she is wrong from just days into a marriage? I did. But I kept hoping and I was scared. Scared of failure, scared of being alone, scared that he was right. I'd been a victim from the day I was born. I was born to a mentally and emotionally unwell woman, and her parents were the reason she was so unwell. Anyway, when I was at the jail, I took time to visit with the guard, thanking him for the job he does. I told him I was there to see a man I'd called boyfriend, but really see as friend. I told him some of my past, and he told me before I left, "Don't be a victim." He didn't want me repeating my past. Or being hurt again. People who've known nothing else.. we do repeat our past, by choosing what are used to, though it's usually far worse than our past...

I can't allow myself to be hurt and twisted. I know that my social worker friend would do that. He's too obsessed with one aspect of my life and can't get around it. And, I know it's his weakness... verbal emotional abuse was his issue with at least two of his wives. He'd hurt them. We'll see if Lanky has the resolve to change, to accept his addiction, to let go of his denial and start to take responsibility for his actions his thoughts and his choices. I'd like that. Hell, I'd LOVE that. Even if it'd just get him on the right path and walking towards rebuilding his relationships with his kids, his parents sister and his ex... helping her understand it wasn't her fault would be nice. He needs to accept his culpability all the results of his behavior and choices. I hope he can.

Today, I'm resting up and writing. and I might take some clothes down to the laundry room and wash them.... So glad I found that room, so we can delay the need for a replacement for my dead washing machine, for a while. I need rest and restoration. I need less chaos and more peace. I need more joy and less pain. I wonder if I'll let that happen. I hope so. I want it.

I really love these guys... They're from Grand Rapids, and Wayland... from whence Phil orginates.
Phil is that golden-curled male angel... Ummm, yeah, he's sweet, and drool worthy... and nice to talk and hang out with...
He'd hit it off ASAP with good 'ol Tall and Lanky when we got to meet him and the band first time Lanky'd seen them, again another band.. with me... that was when he was living with me, sleeping in my bed, but we were not involved with one another... he went to see them play both other times they did while here in Utah, without me.

I'm listening to their music more and more, as I reminisce over the recent past... thoughts of Alex, and Lanky and my relationships with them.. how they built up and how one first destroyed, and the other never did... and how beautifully that relationship flourished, grew and bloomed. And... one I'm still unsure of, yet, pleased with how sweet and gentle and friendship filled it's become. I'm wondering what will happen as 90 days reduce to less, and less and then, to release...

Today I wore Alex's long plain brown T-shirt to work.. it hung and clung in the right ways... to be honest, I'd hoped it'd render hug type comfort to me... far from it... it did at the first, after he'd passed... but now, well, hot tears spilled freely at work, in the car, and at home. I've got to accept that that's a healing thing. God, how I hope so.


I'm lonely... oh, so very lonely... and today, with tears welling up again.. I wish to share with you, this song from Wayland.
When She Rains...

I think of Alex... feel guilt hit me in the gut, and head, as I drift off to wishing I'd gone to him during the summer, when he'd refused the visit... and guilt over not forcing my daughter to go live with us, there... and then, guilt over feeling hurt that she would't talk with him... I feel guilt, and I feel such deeply ravaging sorrow... and at times I wonder.. was it merely a dream? But no, I've got the proof in his sisters brother, nephews and nieces; his mother and in nearly a hundred photos... all proof of the sweetest reality I've had in my life.

I'm raining tears... Lanky used to hold me tightly, brush kisses and fingers, stroking, through my hair... and whisper encouragement that soothed and made it easier to bear the swollen feeling of crying uncontrollably. He was there, not just for me, but to worship the kind of love I have for the one and only man who's ever been so deeply embedded within my heart and I, in his... And to listen while I'd tell him about the man who loved me so much he couldn't live without me.

I've been reading a book about grieving.. and I'm wondering how long I have to read before I register that I've known how to grieve all this time. I've been pondering my life more... and realizing that grief has been one of my most intimate companions since I was very, very, very small... so much life in my life... I'm so sorry for that little girl who was crushed at such impressionable and tender years... such tragedy and heartache for such a tiny girl. All bundled up and duct taped into silence... so long, within that dark fear-filled, lightless existence. I thank God above and angels below, for all the healing I've achieved and for the scattered moments of good that I chose to cling to, rather than the anguish and pain that followed and does still touch me far too much. For without the light that flickers here and there... I'd be still in a much deeper darker hell. This is merely my lot in life. Pain, sorrow, absolute anguish... with moments of sweet soft loving gentle hands, lifting me back up, to watch the colors of the sky.

Sometimes my tears aren't so hard to bear.. sunlight breaks through and they're more for the gratitude and acceptance that I got to experience even a remote glimmer of the purest most crystalline and delightful sort of love. I wasn't sure I was supposed to have it. Tears can fall like gems, at times. recalling treasures and tenderness. I pray that's the kind of tears I will feel lining my cheeks more, than these ones that make me feel breathless and broken as I voicelessly let them out.

When She Rains... it's not a sad song... and it's the last track on one impressive album by this band from Michigan that I'm eager to see in person once more. please, listen... and maybe you'll grow to love the brilliance of these talented musicians.. maybe, maybe not... no matter what, I'm sharing their music with you... because, I treasure it, truly.

gotta think positively