came home early from work today, and snuggled under my covers to warm up and sleep off a miserable morning of stomach flu... uggghhh. I'm not sure how I'll be feeling tomorrow, but I've got to try to get through the day. I realized I'd thoughtlessly volunteered myself to do a 7 day week next week. Errghhh, I do hope I'll achieve it. With ease... I need the hours, and I need the days off before and after.
I did have something decent in the evening. Nice, actually. My daughter went out to get the mail and brought back two surprises. A letter from my brother-in-law in the penitentiary. And my backer's gift, for the level of help I'd contributed to Royal Bliss's fully independent production company (them and all of us who's backed them in large and small ways). Anyway, I'm going to take the CD with me to their concert tomorrow night, to get it autographed. I suspect Lanky will try to permanently borrow it, like he seems to get away with... *sigh, we'll see. I was proud to support the guys. And I'm looking forward to seeing 4 bands that I love, playing all on the same night in the same venue. THRILLING!!! And, I'll hang out with my friends... the couple who'd been at the Royal, on Super Bowl Sunday, and had me promise to go to it. And, maybe I'll hang out with one of the roadies, too. He's a sweetheart of a guy. Laid back and is nice to talk with. Someone I feel safe with. That's rarer and rarer these days. I'm still miserable, thanks to uggy tummy and Aunt Erma. I sure hope they're done with me soon. But I hope to be fresh and ready for the day to start, tomorrow... and I plan to listen to the new music on the way to and from work to prepare for the night. I'm not in the worst of moods. But I'm wishing I felt like it'd be safe to snuggle and spoon. Maybe I'll get to when Lanky gets out, or maybe not. I don't have much to dare expect, but I can hope. I hope to get myself on my feet. I hope that Lanky will realize what a blessing this time away is... years down the road. And, I hope he can finally accept and recognize his mindset wasn't healthy. Was far from safe for either himself, or for the women he'd been playing with. I'd like to think he might be able to think. Then again, I'm learning of his past brain damage, and how truly amazing it is that he is able to communicate and seem to understand as much as he does... though, if you're analytical, like myself... you pick things apart and put them back together the right way, and see as I had, that he is most likely incapable of consistently making reasonable choices and of true comprehension of the consequences of those choices. He's a child and a man, in a tall athletic body. He's got a heart of gold, and gives without strings to those who mean something to him. He's my friend... that's all I know for sure. And, that we've got one amazing friendship. One I will hold dearly and treasure. I look up at him and know that my grandmother's demand is something he's followed through on, in many ways. She'd told him to watch over me... protect me from harm and from bad men. He's done all of that, and intends to continue to do so. He's even turned from the destructive and lying man he'd been, hiding his fantasy and women from one another, to someone who's realizing he's got to let go of play and hold onto those who love and care for him. And, that's a lesson some of us never truly learn. So... who knows what the future holds? I sure don't. For now, I'll work my overtime, and visit a gentle giant twice a week, and adore my daughter and try to teach her to forgive, to love herself and to be responsible, as well. I personally think having Lanky around has taught her a little about how it looks to others, when a person lays around all day, does little to help and yet gets rewarded for the things that they do. Seeing Lanky lay around self-destructive and dangerously depressed, should have been a mirror image many times. She's not as helpful as he has been. And that's sad when someone who's lazy doesn't recognize the need to get up and dig in, on their own. Then again, I've been lost, depressed, and rendered helpless by my reaction to my life, too. I know it all too well.
Sorry, talking to myself again. Tangents everywhere, eh?
Forgive yourself for times like this, if ever you have them. Losing yourself in time, because you're so down that you can't find up is terribly frightening, once you find out that you've trapped yourself there. Then, you need help to pull yourself off the floor and back onto your feet. I know that, well. Anyway, life is steps. little barely moving ones, and then there are times when you leap run and sprint... those ones make up for those tiny steps... and they can lead you forward, propelled by love of self and, love of life... finding that place isn't easy for too many of us... but, when we do, it is glorious.
happy valentine's day. Love yourself. Love WHO you are. Love life and that fact that you are living. And share that love with someone else. It's a great thing to do..
share a hug, too.
xoxoxo,
D
