March 29th 2011

Thank you Newbie Nudes friends for all of your kind messages. I thank you so much for your sweet concern. It meant and means a lot to me. I apologize for not answering your PMs and emails sooner. I told myself that I wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it but the truth was I just didn't have the words. I still don't have the words or skill to properly convey all of the jumble of emotions so these will have to suffice.

On Dec.14th Mom had a radical mastectomy. Her entire right breast was removed. Her cancer was rated at N2 which meant that her cancer had spread into 5 of the 9 lymph nodes under her right arm. Those were removed too. In a routine mastectomy the recovery from the surgery can be as quick as 5 to 6 weeks. In mom's case the problem was the lymph nodes. The surgery to remove them damages the muscles in the arm. She is still undergoing physical therapy to regain full control and strength in her right arm. The week after her operation she had to stand perpendicular to a wall and with her right hand "walk", as if her hand were a spider, her hand up the wall as high as she could. The pain was so intense that she was in tears trying to do it. Now three month later, mom still can not get all the way up the wall to a full arm extension but she is getting close.

Mom is living with me. She'll stay with me as long as she wants. In Jan she started radiation therapy. Her prognosis is good. Mom's a fighter and is as stubborn as I. I know she'll get through all of this.

The hardest thing for me is seeing Mom's pain and helplessness. As I said the mastectomy itself was routine and the scarring was much less than I had envisioned. Of course it is still jarring to see the disfigurement as I changed mom's bandages. So much of my self image comes from my appearance, and if I am honest with myself, my breasts. So many emotions shoot to the surface when dealing with breast cancer. You tell yourself that all that matters is that mom will recover and live. And that is true. But a deep hidden part of you fears the disfigurement and the pain. You suffer with her but at the same time you fear for yourself. The shame of that self absorption eats at you like the cancer itself. Another sad note is that mom can not paint. She does not have the hand control or strength to use a brush. Mom was a marvelous artist and it is an additional blow to her that she cannot do her art. Even her handwriting is shaky. As she told my 5 yr old, his printing is much better than hers.

The hospital connected us with a breast cancer support group and they have been a Godsend.
We are all just coping with the reality of life as it is now and doing our best. The long term prognosis is good for mom and so far we're being told that everything is treatable. So I have hope that we will get through it all in the long run. (Of course the meantime sucks) But that's life. And life seems much more precious now.

On a mundane note. I am also working two jobs now. So between mom, my children, and work my time for online play is nonexistent. I will try to stop by and do a quick check in. But for those who remember me, you'll have to supply your own sarcastic remarks.

I miss you all and thank you one more time for your sweet support.
Hugs
Maria

The first time I ever posed nude, it was for the man who would later become my husband.

We met when he judged and then lectured at a local camera club competition. I was a budding amateur photographer and he was a commercial photographer just starting his studio business. He did not like my photos very much, but he did give me an insight to their weakness. It has always stayed with me. He said "In photography your main tool is not the camera, or subject, texture, line or form. It is light." To this day I am primarily drawn to photography that features drama in the lighting.

How we began dating is another story, but for this thread suffice it to say that we dated for a while and I was falling in love with him. One evening I met him at his studio to go on a date. He had been photographing models for a glamour calendar. ( very soft pin-up style. no porn, sorry readers) As we talked it was apparent that he wasn't happy with the day's results. Then he told me, "You are far more beautiful than anyone I've photographed today." At this point in our relationship we had not had intercourse, but we had petted, done oral etc. I was reluctant to get involved with him because he was 9 years older than I, he seemed far more worldly, and he was an artist with all the bohemian cliché traits that that implies. But then he asked me to pose for him. He did it with a such a dominant manner, not mean or commanding, but dominant. It was as if he were saying, "pass the salt". It was as if there was no possibility or indeed even a reason for refusal. He told me how beautiful I was, that my intelligence shows in my eyes, that my personality, my core, my essence, glows and that he wanted to capture that in a photograph. He then began to detail in a soft loving manner little things about my body that "captivated "him. The line of my calves, the slope in the curve of my back, the proportion my upper arms, and the curve of my hips, and yes he loved my breasts too. To someone who has fought weight issues all her life this praise was overwhelming. I know this sounds so corny typed out. But he was so sincere, so earnest. There was no hint of deceit, none of the oily slime of a pick up line. The irony was that if he had wanted to make love to me right then , I would have.

But that night he only wanted my nude body posed in front of his camera.

In his studio I undressed. Nude, all except for my thong panties. Somehow exposing my vagina seemed more explicit to me than just posing topless. He posed me in one of the sets and took a few photos. Then he gently pointed out to me that my thong was ruining the line of my hip and more importantly by having just a bit a clothing on it made my nudity more sexual. It was a visual reminder to the viewer that the model was once clothed and is now naked. He promised to hide my vagina in shadows if I was self conscious ( and I was). I removed my panties and posed again. When he showed me the "before and after" photos on the monitor it was so obvious that he had been right.

It was very much a dance. He led and I followed. He posed me and gave me constant flattery as he shot. "Arch your back" he must have said a thousand times. "Point your toes". "Shift your weight off of the camera front leg. " He was in full control, like a conductor leading his orchestra. And he had my complete entire trust.

Was the experience sexual? No, not in the least. The mechanics of it all prevented it from being a sexual experience. There was too much to concentrate on in order to get a good photo to think about sex. But it was a mighty rush of confidence. Of liberty. Of moving past the forbidden. Being the sole focus of the his attention filled me not with a feeling of being loved or being lusted after, as much as an incredibly positive ego stroke of being admired and desired. I felt like a queen. I knew for the first time what it was like to be the most important person in the room; the center of all attention. And I loved it.

The entire session lasted an hour at the most. He never made a pass at me or even said anything remotely sexual as I was posing. But even after I was dressed, I had a rush of adrenaline still charging through me. We went out that night and talked about the model/artist relationship 'til the early morning. Discussing how the model can be the creative spark as much as the artist. He asked me to pose again for him but this time not for a glamour shot but for an ongoing series of fine art studies. Collaborating together on this art series is when I discovered the true essence of the dominant / submissive relationship. And we fell in love.

Cut to today. We are divorced. He kept all of his photos that we did throughout our marriage as part of the settlement. I still pose nude for life drawing classes and for some art photographers. I have become quite comfortable and confident in my own skin. I love the creative give/take relationship between the artist and the model. I have posed for some very talented artists as well as some real hacks. There is deep beauty in all of us and I am proud to be able to help artists learn to see it.

My new avatar is one of the photos from this first session. It is from a scan of a 5x7 print so the quality is not the best. That was over ten years ago. I weighed more then than I do now. But what I see in it is the look in my eyes. I can see that I was in pure innocent love even then.

As a newly active member, I have only recently discovered that as a freeloader I have a limited number of PMs per day that I can send. Also I have a limited number of friends too and I have reached that limit. So being unable to answer some of the messages sent to me I post the following collection of random bits.

I am enjoying the forums sections. I have fallen in love with fantasm. Love her wit. (yes guys that's Wit not Tit. Although they are pretty nice. )

When it says "rather not say" under "Marital Status," I always assume married and looking to cheat.

After you are finished on NN for the day do you find that your computer has about 15 different windows opened, all of them NN?

re my photos/ short version: I pose for life drawing classes at my local Art League and for the local art college. Upon occasion, I also model for some of the art photographers I meet there. The photos that I have posted have come from sessions with a local artist named Thomas Detman. I love working with him. I have been asked what filter he uses on the photos. I assume that was referring to the canvas like texture of the photos. When Thomas makes his photo prints, they are large (about 3 feet tall) and printed on a canvas board. The digital files he gave me of his finished work have a canvas like texture on them.

On one of Mikki Ohio's sexy photos she wrote "My guy makes me wear almost nothing when I clean his place." There's the ultimate male desire. A woman who'll clean up after him.

And speaking of photos. Guys, I am glad that you have a cock, but I'd like to see more of you than just that.

And re cock size: If we love you, then as long as your stuff can reach our stuff that's the right size. Now if we're out for just a pure lust filled sex romp, then a larger one is desirable. (But if it's too large I am not doing anal)

If I say "It's a nice size", you're small.

Global hunger, war, collapse of the economy and pole_worker posts, "these multiply guy nights and gang bangs are starting to get to me......so tired and sore". Poor girl. Such a problem she has!
(Jeez, I wish multiple guys would get to me.)

I also love it when on their profile under "Religion" people post: "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual." Right. And I'm not honest, but you're interesting.

And while we're at it. It is "you're" not "your". As in "you're cute" not "your cute." (Although "your cunt is cute" is preferable to "you're a cute cunt."

My favorite profile answer under "Food" is from LickThenThrustOne who answered "Food: PETAeople Eating Tasty Animals, YUM!"

Why don't I post my avatar photo larger? One reason is that I did not realize that anyone can access this site,forum, and profile even if they are not signed up as a member/free member. I posted my avatar photo with my face before I knew that. (And to be honest, a major reason that I have not posted a larger version is that I HATE my hair in that session. I needed a cut and the photographer wanted it swept back off of my face. I did not have a lot of time to fix it and that was the hideous result) Ok. I'm vain. There, I said it for you.

Mikki Ohio also wrote on her status update "My guy is watching *Monthy; Python-Holy Grail* on TV now." That must be a typo. Monty Python is a comedy group. A Monthly Python is a once a month fuck buddy.

That's all for now. Hugs

prologue: As a newly active member here at NN I have read a number of blogs written by women. Some are mind blowingly erotic. Some are fascinating. And some are …well… unbelievable. Maybe I am too cynical but I have a hard time accepting that some of the stories are more than just that, stories. I also have a lingering suspicion a few members might not be who they say they are or even what gender they say they are. But again, as I said, I am a cynic. So as a public ( and pubic) service to those men who might get the impression from reading some of the blogs on NN that all women will meet you and immediately drop to their knees and demand that you tie them up and let them deep throat you after you have repeatedly fucked them up the ass, I offer you this actual account of my night out. (yes, sex in involved)

I had posted in my status last night that I was going out and that some guy was going to get luck. What I really meant by that was that my ex husband had our kids this weekend, and I was up for some "me time" fun, and frankly it had been awhile since I have had sex. So if the right combination of man/personality/attraction/ safety/opportunity came up I wasn't going to reject it. I feel this is quite different from a man's attitude. If a guy is out to score he'll do anything necessary to screw someone (anyone). I on the other hand am definitely looking but the aforementioned combination has to be there.

My BFF Michelle and I went to a comedy club. (Jamie Kaler and Michael Bunin from the TV show "My Boys". Great show. Very funny) Our plans were to see the show then go bar hopping. However while at the comedy club a table of three guys sent us a round of drinks. At intermission they came up to us and we chatted. After a bit they invited us to join them at their table. We said maybe but we had to go to the ladies room first. REAL LIFE ALERT, READER. No woman is going to take you up on an offer like that without discussing it first with her friend. That's what we did in the bathroom. We made sure both of us were OK with it and who we liked and had our eye on etc. I was attracted to a cute guy with a lean trim build. He had long blond hair and a ready easy smile. (I will call him Lord Viking for the remainder of this blog.) Michelle seemed attracted to a dark hair Jock Type guy. ( not my type at all)

(as a random aside while we are talking bathroom You know the old expression "he made me laugh so hard I peed my pants?" Some women have this problem and I am one of them. I had laughed so hard that I had wet my panties a little. They were uncomfortable being damp so while in the rest room I took them off. This is only significant later when Lord Viking and I started to pet and he put his hand up my skirt. I wish I had a camera to catch his expression when he discovered that I had no panties on!)

Michelle and I joined them at their table. Now a comedy club is no place to be talking during the acts but that is exactly what Jock Type did. He was trying to act all alpha male and impress us. It didn't work. It didn't take very long to find out that he was an asshole. REAL LIFE ALERT, READER. Think and act appropriately for the time and place. He destroyed any chance he might have had with Michelle (see above re combination/personality/attraction etc)

After the show we all went next door to a bar for drinks. Here we could really talk (and flirt). I had Lord Viking pegged as either a surfer dude type or an artist/musician. As it turned out that yes he was a graphic designer. The before unmentioned third man turned out to be charming and witty with a hilarious dry sense of humor. Michelle and him traded jokes while Jock kept trying and bombing. After a couple of rounds Lord Viking offered to buy us all some food. We walked to… a taco truck! (As background, the area of Indianapolis that we are in is called Broad Ripple. It is nothing but arty shops, clubs, bars, restaurants, and bistros. And Lord Viking is taking us to an open air, parked in a parking lot, taco truck!) REAL LIFE ALERT, READER. I could think of nothing but the word "cheap." If he was trying to impress me/us this wasn't working. Eating tacos on a paper plate standing in a parking lot was not my idea of impressive. REAL LIFE ALERT appendix, READER. I was wrong! The tacos were outstanding! Not even what I would call tacos but ,more like tender spicy marinated steak with fresh crisp vegetables on a tortilla shell. The ones I had had Tai spices. Beyond yummy! REAL LIFE ALERT appendix b, READER. Guys, this is how it is done. Be the guy who know the secret spots, the undiscovered gem. If you can treat someone to a new experience , you're in.

(random aside to my fellow Hoosiers here on NN. The truck is called West Coast Tacos. In Broad Ripple. Try It)

We went to another bar and it was obvious that Lord Viking and I were hitting it off and the others were friendly but no romantic connections were being made. So, did I hop in Lord's car and go to his place for sex? REAL LIFE ALERT, READER. I would never get in the car of a stranger I have just met alone.
What I did do was exchange phone numbers. So they head off home, and Michelle and I headed home. While in the car I got a call from Lord Viking. (Good move!) We chatted and he suggested we meet for a dessert. I accepted. After dropping Michelle off at her place. I met Lord Viking. We flirted. He made his move kissing me. He invited me to spend the night with him at his apartment and I accepted. REAL LIFE ALERT, READER. As soon as I was in my car I phoned Michelle, gave her his address and phone number. We arranged to have me called her when I got there and for her to call back me in a half an hour to check on me. And I was to phone her back in an hour . If she didn't hear from me she was to call the police. This is what BFFs do for each other. We guard each other's backs.

When I got to his apt. one of the first things I did was use the bathroom. REAL LIFE ALERT, READER I was in there checking his medicine cabinet. On his prescription pills is his name. If it doesn't match what I have been told I am out of there. If there are medicines for a MRS. Lord Viking I am out of there. And of course if they are medicines like Valtrex or any herpes/aids/ STD related medications. I am out of there.
In this case he was clean.

So yes we made love. It was very nice. He wasn't the best lover I have ever had but he certainly wasn't the worst. He was tender and attentive, giving me long sensuous oral attention. We made love in a variety of positions. He seemed to prefer missionary but that wasn't doing it for me so I rode him cowgirl style and that really got my juices flowing. We ended up "finishing" doing it doggy style. I had to rub my clit while we fucked in order to orgasm but no matter. Considering the amount of alcohol we'd both had and the fact that this was our first time together it was very satisfying. We did lay in each others arms and snuggle for a long time. He got extra points for that. REAL LIFE ALERT, READER Sometimes I just need to be held. I sometimes long for skin to skin contact. Sometimes being held tenderly, cuddled and sweetly kissed is as a good as the sex.

After a rest and some pillow talk. I told to him to just lay back at let me please him. I worked my mouth all over him. Sucking him back to life in my mouth. I orally pleasured him until he was moaning and twitching in anticipation of cumming. I told him to watch me as I worked my hands on his shaft and licked and sucked his cockhead. When he came, I opened my mouth and held his cock on my face beside my nose. His cum shot on my face and into my mouth. (see first blog) He had what I can only delicately describe as a huge shit-eating grin! Then I left and drove home.

Sorry, dear reader, no BDSM. No gangbang . No anal fisting or public bukkake. Just my night. I hope yours went as lovely as mine did.

Now I need a nap.

For my first blog I thought I'd write about my first true awakening to the power of sex. And what has become a major fascination and turn on for me.

Back in 6th grade I was one of the "fun" girls which meant back then that I let the guys feel me up and I would sometimes play with their cocks with my hand, reaching down their pants to stroke them. This guy Jack M**** was an 8th grader that I had a huge crush on. We were making out at his mom’s apartment while she was at work. I got naked except for my panties and he had all his clothes on. I let him play with my breasts and suck my nipples while we made out. We were on the couch and I was essentially doing a lap dance on his cock. Finally I slid off him and knelt down and unzipped his pants. I pulled out his cock and gave him a hand job. He had his hands on my tits as I knelt between his legs stroking his cock. I was watching his face the entire time. He kept getting redder and redder and his face went through all kinds of dances as I stroked him. I was totally fascinated by what I was seeing. When he came I was still looking up but his load shot up and still managed to hit my face and hair. I looked down at his cock to see it shoot and spew these huge loads of cum! He just kept on cumming and cumming! His body literally shook with his orgasm. Then his whole body went limp and he started grinning like a man who had just won the lottery. The cum on my face and body somehow connected me to his orgasm as I stared in wonder at that cock erupting its white load.

This was a major imprinting moment in my life. There is something so powerful in watching a man cum like that. It totally transforms a man. They are truly free and wrapped in total pleasure at that moment. I realized that I had the power to give all that pleasure while at the same time I realized that I was being submissive to a man's needs. The power of being a submissive vessel was burned in my mind and manifested in the awesome physical act of ejaculation. When I see a man cum I know I have him and he has me.

So there you have what was the start of my cum fetish.

Hugs