This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,
and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I
do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said
the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra
with the housekeeper..."

If the world is round - How come we're not all bow-legged?

A guy walks up to his bestfriend (guy), and asks "If you went camping with a friend and woke up the next day with your pants around your ankles, vasaline on your ass, and your ass was hurting like hell would you tell anyone?"

The guy's friend says, "Uh, no?"

The guy smiled at his friend and said, "Hey, you wanna go camping?"

Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least his version). "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her, and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt, when he did this she began to moan and sigh. Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving. The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it was slipping out and stuck it back in. Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't come back to life again, so the battle started again. Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

A New York man was xxxxxx to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's what for!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "It's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"

'This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

'If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

'If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

'If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

'That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!'

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'Fuck the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen?!'