How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say 'Open here'... What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit 'up' button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do scientists call it 're'search when looking for something new?

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, 'This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?'

The judge said that was true. 'Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?' the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, 'Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.'

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into Mold and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Welshman: 'The sheep's a liar'

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,

'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,

'Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blond e opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?

Scroll down......



















A Seatbelt you pervert!

Buckle up!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone! (And God love that pig!)

For a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants....open presents--expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from "secret admirer"
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk; says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower---alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

For a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and eggs, coffee, toast. All cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2 under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport; several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with nude, all-female crew who all bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
6:45 Shit, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all of whom have lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your
mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length
of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your
feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as
the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you
are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste
it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking
their thumbs...

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent 20 years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'