A new young Blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding, dear.'

'No, mother,' the young Blonde woman laments. 'I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.'

'Well, that is being miserly,' the mother agreed, 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

The young Blonde woman explained, 'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.'

'Airplane ticket??? What does an airplane ticket have to do with turkey rolls???' asked her mother, confused.

The young Blonde woman quickly responded, 'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE'. So I flew to Alaska!'

Taking a wee break from the golf course,
Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into
An Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish
Manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
'Top o' the mornin to ya'.

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees
Fall out of his pocket.

'So what are those things, laddie?'
Asks the attendant.

They're called tees,' replies Tiger.

'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?'
Inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when
I drive,' replies Tiger.

'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims
The Irish attendant. 'Those fellas at
Mercedes think of everything.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John,seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, serious illness,or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money,

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' said Maureen.

'Why?' he asked. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replied, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

'Well,' she said, 'that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.'

'No problem,' he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

'Wow!' she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' said Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replied. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs , pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

A little boy was sitting on the steps outside the church playing with a clear bottle of liquid. When a preacher walks up and ask him "What was in the bottle" the little boy repelis "Turpentine the most powerful liquid in the world" the preacher says to the young boy "Oh no son the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water" he said "Son if you put this holy water on a pregnant woman’s belly she will pass a baby" the boy says to the preacher "Shit man that ain’t nothing you put some of this Turpentine on a cats ass he will pass a motorcycle"

because its to hard to spell ohmyfreakkinglordyesputitindeeperdeeperpleaseuhavetoohmygodcumplease

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

A Little boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."