1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Here I was on my way to Wal-Mart. Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon.?? I was in a great mood and then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car .. and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'?

........... and that's when the fight started .

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the tiled bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits & suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out to her husband "Bruce, Bruce".
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "Your stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate)
They came back and both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Cobba said, "Lets try plan B"
"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
Cobba explained "I'll go home and get a hammer and chisel, then we can break the tiles under her to release the vacuum".
"Spot on" said Bruce, "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits"
"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that Mate"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.

"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.'

She said,

'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

The captain of a fearsome pirate ship decides to have a talk with a rookie that is setting out for his first voyage ever.

Captain: "So, any questions?"

Rookie: "Just one. Since there are no women on the ship and we are at sea for months at a time, what do we do if we get…uh…you know…the urge?"

Captain: "See that barrel over there?"

Rookie: "Yep."

Captain: "See the hole in the side of the barrel?"

Rookie: "Yep."

Captain: "Well, anytime you get the urge, just use that hole in the barrel. Anytime except on Tuesdays."

Rookie: "Why not Tuesdays?"

Captain: "That's your day in the barrel."

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




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What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!








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I don't know about you sometimes