Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.

'How did it work out?' they asked.

'Well, it was a great dinner,' Mary said. 'Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away.'

'But what about afterward?' her friends wanted to know.

'It didn't work out,' Mary said. 'Charley was too tired.'

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, 'I've seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!'.

Hugh replies, 'Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune'. Bill (with a chuckle), 'Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?'

So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling 'Devine... Devine... Devine... oh God... now I know why you chose the name Devine'.

To which she replies, 'Thank you Bill. And now I know how you chose the name ...Microsoft'.

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage

on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it."


The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the

front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are

you going?"



Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last

night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming

too, and I'll be fucked if I'm staying here by myself with

a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager 'How much is that new Barbie in the window?'

The Manager replied, 'Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95.. 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ... 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ...'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95.. and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00'.

'Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?' Dad asked surprised.

'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture.'

A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

'Buffy,' she said, 'How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?'

'Ten,' said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

'Buffy,' she said. 'I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!'

'Yes,' said Buffy. 'So did I.'

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.


After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.


'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'


Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'


'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:


'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - 'I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?'

'Oh, not any more, he doesn't,' the other replied.

'What stopped him?'

'I started talking about my next husband.'

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, 'I built a big house for our mother.'

The second said, 'I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.'

The third smiled and said, 'Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it!'

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

'Adam,' she wrote one son, 'The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.'

'Jon,' she wrote to another, 'I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!'

'Dearest Gerald,' she wrote to her third son, 'You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious...!'