9,374 people are having sex right now,

2,130 are kissing.

234 are getting head, and

1 lonely fucker is reading this.


You hang in there, Sunshine !!!

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Thanks "C"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,took her little boy by the hand and whispered,'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner

What happens when you supress a fart?

It travels up your spine and lodges in your brain.

That is where all your SHITTY ideas come from.

An 80 year old Italian goes to his doctor for an annual check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is in amazement. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandpa's dead?'

Absolutely stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married; Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? (yes it's true)


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.
One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow.
"Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal."
Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.
The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper.
The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, "Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day."
All at once the girls get up and head for the door.



"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"

Once upon a time, a gorgeous guy asked a beautiful young girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said: “NO !”

And the girl lived happily ever-after and went traveling, shopping, dancing, camping, drank margaritas, always had a clean and tidy house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't have to pick up after anyone else's mess, didn't save money, traveled yet more, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, was pleasant all the time, wasn't kept awake by snoring, and no one ever farted on her in bed.

The End

Thanks "C"

There was a teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals.
She showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, "It has a long neck." One kid answered, "Giraffe!"
Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra.
Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. "This animal has stripes." "Zebra!" one kid answered.
So she put up another one, that of a deer.
The teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she came up with one!..she asked them "what does your mother call your father?"



Suddenly one child got up and answered "HORNY BASTARD!"