A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks."
The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."
The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, "Okay, talk."
The parrot said, "Show me your tits."
The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."
Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."
To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.
There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up-to-date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Cindy said, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replied, "It's just great ever since we got into S&M."
Cindy is aghast. "Really, Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."


"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:


Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny
husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make
love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat,
he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife
pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just
making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache.
I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk
for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

How can there be self-help "groups"?

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, theirconversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one.

Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?"

"And is he a professional?" demanded the second.

"Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And notonly that, he's gay."

Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well."

This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained.

"He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."