Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend 's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up a and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.
"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really, small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"