A blonde & brunette are in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.

Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a boy?"

Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a eating it."

Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a boy?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a eating it, it's a so good."

Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trim a?"

Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"

Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some big words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.

"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said no, but harassment yes!"

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny’s turn.



Johnny: I wanna be a millionaire and go to expensive clubs, find a bitch, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas, get her a Ferrari, buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly in, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.



The teacher was at a loss for words and didn’t know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Alice what she wanted to be.



Alice replied: I’d like to be Johnny’s bitch.

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the fucking lights!?"

"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository.
Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved!
Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't
forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...
"Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon
tree!""Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush..."