A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight ...”

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it’s no secret that she’s knockout beauty. And even though I’m delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.

Every time I saw her, I’d get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it. It just happened!

Obviously, I didn’t want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my penis to my leg with a rope. I tied that thing down TIGHT, too.

It would’ve worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it: I kicked her right in the face!

The old barber gives his last advice to his Son who is about to take over the business:“And remember, working with the razor is extremely dangerous, some costumers are angry, they make sudden and unexpected moves! Be very careful not to cut yourself!”

Husband asks: Do u know the meaning of wife?
"Without Information Fighting Everytime".
Wife on hearing replies,
It also means "With Idiot For Ever".

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,


"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS." The minister scratched his head...
.thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer." The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said,"Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all." Preacher says, "Its right in the book of Matthew." She said, "No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!"He said ,"It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...
that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!