An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter.. 'You'll be and sodomised.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'

After being married for 30 years ... a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said:
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said:
"Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

His left eye is still swollen...

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, 'Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk looks back and says, 'Yes,Preacher. I sure am.'

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. 'Have you found Jesus?' the preacher asked.

'No, I didn't!' said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, 'Now, brother, have you found Jesus?'

'No, I did not Reverend.'

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, 'My God, have you found Jesus yet?'

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my frigging ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some fucking asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

An elderly spinster called the local lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared...

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, 'You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?'

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, 'Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?'

She replied, 'Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank. '

'Tell me,' the lawyer asked, 'how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?'

The spinster said, 'Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral.'

The lawyer remarked, 'Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed!'

But tell me,' he continued, 'what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?'

The spinster replied, 'As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man, a really good man to sleep with me for an hour.'

'This is a very unusual request,' the lawyer said, adding, 'but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you. '

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, 'I'll drive you over tomorrow evening and wait in the car until you're finished.'

The next evening she drove him to the spinster's house.

She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled,

'Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the GOVERNMENT bury her.'

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"

Little Mike, Johnny's cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. "You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!" Little Mike's dad said with a smile. "If not you won't get anything nice"

"I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new fucking BB gun at the foot of my fucking bed!" little Mike said.

Little Mike's dad rolls his eyes.

"Then I want to go down stairs and see a fucking toy train going around the fucking Christmas tree!"

"Oh yeah?" His dad says.

"Yeah then I'll go out side and I want a fucking new bike leaning up against the fucking garage!"

"I wouldn't count on it young man, not after how you just talked."

When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog shit! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog shit. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of Dog Shit!

"DAMN!" Little Mike says, starting to cry.

"Well son did you learn a lesson?" Mikes dad asks.

"I don't know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can't fucking find it!"

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow



b) Thrush,



c) Magpie,



d) Cuckoo?"



"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."



Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"


"Because he lives in a Fookin' clock!"