The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the fucking garage door open?'"

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"


"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."


"What sort of trouble?"


"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."


"Went away?"


"They disappeared."


"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"


"Nothing."


"Nothing?"


"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."


"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"


"How do I tell?"


"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"


"What's a sea-prompt?"


"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"


"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."


"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"


"What's a monitor?"


"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.


"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"


"I don't know."


"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"


"Yes, I think so."


"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."


"Yes, it is."


"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."


"Okay, here it is."


"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."


"I can't reach."


"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"No."


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"


"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"


"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."


"Well, turn on the office light then."


"I can't."


"No? Why not?"


"Because there's a power outage."


"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"


"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."


"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."


"Really? Is it that bad?"


"Yes, I'm afraid it is."


"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as fuck ain't gonna touch it!"

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Last night I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be Fucked if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on MN State Hightway 210 just East of McGregor, MN.

I asked for driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a Conceal Carry Permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something – body language, or the way she said it – made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what she was so afraid of.

She looked mew right in the eye and said, “Not a fucking thing!”

A young college Blonde came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there
was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, ' she choked.'

A matchmaker was telling to a young but poor man, "There is a beautiful elderly lady who is widowed who owns a fortune and is looking for a young man to marry. She is gentle and also has a twenty year old daughter."
The man said,"I would rather marry the daughter in that case".
The matchmaker replied, "But if you marry the daughter, you will get an irritating and ugly old hag for a mother-in-law".