A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'You know Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Bob replies, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!!!? Like a newborn baby?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants.'

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"

.... So they walked past it again...

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers,
"So I can get it enlarged!"

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade,listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I Golf."

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied.
"So, she's a liar.
I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

A Retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to docks once more for old times sake.He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age.The old sailor asks "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies "Well Sailor you're doing about 3 knots." "3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that supposed to mean?" She says "Your knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your fuckin money back."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
Taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from The party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees Is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his Clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the Room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes When he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the Bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in Red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make
You your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, Steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old
Son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell Over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, And got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order And so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when She tried to take your pants off, you screamed....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."