10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says ''If any of you are Paedophiles you can fuck off down to Hell."
9 of them start to walk away, when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you.''

A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last week.
After sharing it between members of his family they each walked away with $4.50.

The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''. Dad looks at his other son and said
''What about you?'' Other son said ''Me too Dad''.
Dad said "Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this Fuck'n family like Pussy.?"
Daughter said ''I do.''


A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?''
I said ''Yeah the fuck'n plug hole is blocked again.''

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer. Throw in your washing.

We were all having a good old laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said ''I don't find that very funny.
My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits''.
I said '' Sorry mate did he drown?''
No he said '' he choked on a sock ''.

A signboard outside a restaurant said: "Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill".
A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he can and when the waiter gave the bill he pointed to the signboard, "Don't you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill".
The waiter said, "Sir, this is not your bill. This is your grandfather's bill".

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own..... The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the world. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they thinking?










Have you figured it out yet? Not yet? Well keep thinking and then scroll down some more.




















Don't look down! ... Don't look down! ... Don't look down!

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Fucking Pope!'

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP
are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

The older i get.....the more i love my pussy!!!!!!

I don't own a cat!!!!!!!