On the first day, God created the dog and said:
“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay”, said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. It took me years to understand this ...

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

When you hear these comments don't assume their positive sound is all they indend to be. Backhanded comments really are a kicker.

"That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."

"You're smarter than you look."

"You drive very well, for a woman."

"Your son is more handsome than I would have expected."

"You are attractive, for your age."

"You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you."

"You're not as heavy as people think you are."

"I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!"


"You're so smart, for an American."

"You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!"

"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."

"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"

"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."

"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."

"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."

"You're so evolved

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the nearfuture.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotentfor an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't getit.

6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,

became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion,

and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me.

So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he
approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse,

where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said,



'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for Your help.



I understand that you're in the sales profession.



I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied,



'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

A lady complained to the builder of the house and told him that whenever a train passes by in the nearby station, the house shook and that day she almost feel off the bed. The builder thought that she was exaggerating things and went to her house to find out.
The train was due in a few minutes and she asked the builder to lie on the bed to experience it. Just then the door opened and her boxing husband entered the room to see a man on the bed.
He asked his wife: "What is the meaning of this? What is this man doing in the bed with you in the room?"
His wife told him: "Would you believe he is waiting for a train?"

A rich but spoilt boy fell in love with a girl and showered her with gifts though she didn't reciprocate his love. Once she was injured and he took her to the hospital, paid the bills and even gave some blood.
But the girl fell in love with someone else and when the boy found this out he shouted at her and asked her to give back all the gifts that he had given. The girl agreed and gave him back the gifts.
The boy by now was insanely angry and shouted: "Well, how about the other thing that I gave you. How are you going to give me back the blood?"
The girl replied nonchalantly: "In monthly installments."

One day an old lady went to the doctor because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have the crabs." She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.



She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs". No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."



Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs."The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look." After examining, the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs. This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies."

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a tosser then!"

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'



The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.



Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.



She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.



Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'



The teacher sat down and cried.

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."