A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......



With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)




"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........ ! !

After finishing her shift as a nurse
A wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi sweetheart," he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say hello to them?

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the 'doggie position'.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee. The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.


When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63 .

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

These rejected Valentine's Day cards somehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why?

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.

Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..

7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.

Success is just like being Pregnant.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were get Fucked

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.