It was the stir of the town when a white 80-year-old man married a white 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

A girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes Father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes Father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes Father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father he then put his you-know-what... in my you-know-where... and he wasn't even using a condom."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what... in her you-know-where... without a condom.

"Yes father," she says sometime later... after Father had finished with his you-know-what... in her you-know-where.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father," the girl says... "He has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Number 10






Life is sexually transmitted.



Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate

at which one can die.



Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet

and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.



Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky -- not really good for anything,

until you push them down the stairs and then they make you smile.



Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,

lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00

and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?



Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac

to make it normal.



And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers --

what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

... and as someone recently said to me:


"Don't worry about old age--

it doesn't last that long."

Dave walks into a bar and sees Henry sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says, "Henry, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Dave, I turned off the key and I said 'It's either fuck or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees Henry sitting at the end of the bar counter with an even bigger smile on his face.

Dave says, "What are you happy about today Henry?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me, tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either fuck or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees Henry down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "Henry, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable, georgeous brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I tell ya I had more wood than my boat does!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Dave, way WAAAYYY out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either fuck or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG fuckin' dick!....... And I can't swim Dave! I can't swim, man!!!!!!

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the Newfie clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."


The pharmacist yells: "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The Newfie clerk responds..................

“Of course you can! "


"Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"



He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..