To all my NN friends long time no blog! I haven't been on NN consistently in close to a year. The past year has been kind of crazy. I moved away from home, confident that my mother was okay and would be fine in a senior citizen community. I moved in with 2 guys (both straight and pretty darn different from me but good friends nonetheless)about 1/2 an hour from where my mother is living. I can't say that I felt this need to separate and so on but I think I had come to the conclusion that a part of me looks to take care of people, always have the shoulder to lean on and generally be easily acceptable.
Even with the current living situation with the two guys who are 14 years younger than me I still feel the nurture need. Both have stated they haven't ate this well since they moved out from home. At times its been a struggle. I spent most of November through January in and out of the E.R. for breathing issues. The house the guys and I live in to be honest is a shit hole. Even with the heat cranked up to 70 and paying gas bills that averaged $300 a month I ended up getting upper respiratory infections and it wasn't a pretty sight.
On top of the medical issues and bills my main job let me go. Basically they couldn't afford me, and depending upon your perspective, they honorably did me the disservice of letting me go and not telling me for three weeks ( the restaurant was closed for 1 week because of the location being near a major university and the main clientele being students) until I hounded the owner to talk to me.
I went on unemployment. The owner had no issues validating that with the state. Still, it felt quite strange. I never looked down upon people who had government assistance but I never thought I would need it. I've worked since I was 16 years old and only working 2 days a week while collecting unemployment checks felt very strange.
In one aspect I saw it as a vacation. During my most recent run of work I had a vacation only twice in 5 years. I figured I would have more time to concentrate on my artistic and creative endeavors. Instead most often I found myself having serious droughts of inspiration.
Here and there thankfully I found some inspiration and chances of expressing myself creatively. One project I am pursuing is an actual CD of spoken word. I have a friend who besides being a musician also makes beats and produces music. Currently he is making a compilation CD and actually wrote a piece for me to write words to and recite.
I was a bit apprehensive but really got into it. My friend and the fellows working with him seemed to really like which was a definite ego boost. I plan on doing a compilation of my work, which my friend told me he would be happy to work on for me.
I haven't really pursued photography as much as I would like. With the lease coming to a close on the current house I have found a renewed interest in doing my poem/photography project legitimately.
I'm not sure what exactly made me not visit NN as frequently as I would have liked. I could say to myself just growth and trying to make sure I was not addicted to NN. I could say it was certain people and just their overall negativity they would bring in chat that annoyed me. I could go further to say missing the conversations and presence of members who have come and gone or who just dont seem to talk to me anymore even though I felt like there were some strong bonds there.
All of those are excuses, and their validity depends on your point of view. My addiction to NN, fuck that, I love NN. It is a special place. I can honestly say NN helped me to be more outgoing, to trust myself, to believe in my abilities and know I can accomplish some pretty cool things. NN has taught me that beauty comes in so many different ways. NN has also taught me humility. I am no more or no less, no better or worse or of varied importance than anyone else here.
As for people who have a special place in my heart, there are so many of you, each one like a unique piece of stained glass that I feel like life's light shines through and bestows such wonderful insights into my existence, Being honest, there is one person who I don't really get to talk to, haven't talked to in ages and it does make me misty eyed. they may or may not know but they inspired quite a few of my earlier pieces I put on NN. First visually they enchanted me, then through conversation their personality became adored by me.
Human nature is an incredible thing, emotion and idealism powerful forces. Learning how to channel that in, learn from those things makes me appreciate and understand everything, everyone has a time and place. Everyone has a voice, and NN is a choir of sorts that might change somewhat, but its innate essence of freedom, acceptance, sensuality and friendship are immortal. I hope that people can remember me in the brightest of my moments despite my darkest ones, as I remember said special friend and all I have been lucky to come into contact with at NN. I hope to be around a lot more, and sharing new material. I've missed you friends.

Focus your attention past the third dimension,
Cease being led by blind apprehension,
Open your inner eye sigh with retention,

The original star before there was a when,
Existed without fear of sin or an end,
Any thing questioned was answered within,
Check the frequency
When time reckoned its birth be beckoned,
The once known integral dispersed in all directions,
360 degrees of infinite possibilities,

Journeying across cold seas of infinity,
Not consciously enslaved by probability,
Arrived to become the foundations of reality
Check the frequency
The original element began settlement,
Life as we know underwent development,
Benign design evolution met pollution,

Isolated and separated self hated,
Anguish languished festering unabated,
Negative cycle of dramas created.
Check the frequency
How many days did self doubt lead my way,
So many labels made me unable to feel stable,
Predicaments made contentment a faint fable,

Each breath taken was one less left
Heartbroken and bereft of hope’s theft,
I became preoccupied with failing concepts,
Check the frequency
Depression’s gravity became a suicidal position,
Until a divine spark sent the dark into remission,
The decision; trust myself and not fear transition,

We are much more than rich or poor,
More than color or the checks we work for,
What’s mine is yours not to covet behind doors,
Check the frequency
From lashes to ashes and lust to dust
Far more connected than first suspected,
Within us the sacred code is protected,
Check the frequency
The elation of creation the beauty of reality,
Is that it’s simply varying vibrations of energy,
Never destroyed or separated completely,
Check the frequency
Action and presence cannot be brought without thought,
Our routines have maimed dreams and nightmares wrought,
Fight against spiritual onslaught love must be sought,

Make your choice listen to your inner voice,
Relinquish remorse claim connection to our source
Tune out the static exorcise the problematic
Check the frequency

Standing outside, letting smoke drift from my lips,
The back of my neck caressed by cool finger tips,
Watching the night and earth close space,
Lovers drawn to eternally embrace,
A smoldering union that seems out of place,
Until the two , those 2 come face to face,
Thinking bout how it is for you and me,
A bitter sweet course served by destiny,

This emotion is here to stay,
Even when I say go away,
You're on my mind every day
This heart of yours has the last say,
Every time my thoughts stray,
My heart pulls me like gravity.
this emotion is here to stay,

Was up early and saw the night depart,
Walking backwards slowly with a longing heart,
Begrudgingly accepting the order of nature,
Seeing how the earth lights up beneath the smile of the sun,
Contemplating why I could never be the chosen public one,
Dwelling just out of sight, questioning and unsure,
Among life's mysteries this is the one I most want to know,
Why oh why won't this damned feeling just go,

I don't even have the right to fight
Can't even find a truthful way to pray.
Just try to make it through another day,
Knowing that this emotion is here to stay

I have been ridiculously busy and trying to figure out what the hell to do living with new people after having been in the same living situation for super long. I'm going to have to make a career change, and at various points have been under the weather. I have missed you all my friends and hope to be around more. I love all of you beautiful people, please forgive my absence.

a starr reborn xoxoxoxoxoxo

We see each others faces,
Behind the masks are the traces,
Of remembered moments and feelings,
That once sent me to heaven's ceiling,
Unbridled, wide eyed and full of hope,
I wasn't prepared for the scope,
Of how quickly some things came into play,
I stumbled off bitter and wounded until today,
Questioning how ended up so far apart,
Now I'm ready for a brand new start,
Its not about fault or forgiveness,
I have a friend I fell in love with and I miss,

It doesn't have to be that way,
Things don't have to seem strange,
Its okay if you don't feel the same,
You should never hold blame or shame,
And your words never need be rearranged,
I don't need for us to have a name,
Nothing more than friends would I claim,
Life is nothing if at least constant change,
I just want you to understand when I say,
It doesn't have to be that way,
If you love me but are not in love its okay

An eyelash shy of midnight's sigh the soft kiss of rain gives a mild break from December's chill,
I am sitting outside while my thoughts are inwardly pacing thinking of you,
What is the shape and sound of our relation to one another,
What lines and textures measure how much by you am I treasured,
I try and go limp, the soul treading the quicksand of uninvited emotions at hand,
The conscientious objector of my inner mind’s memory selector,
Inhaling praising then exhaling verbally assailing the presence that you possess,
Battling with the turn of events that never seem to relent but cement this predicament,
How with preternatural ease and aplomb your minute gestures ravage me like atom bombs,
Smiling nervously from your playful antics wishing just once to you it wasn’t game,
Frowning drowning in what ifs, if I grabbed you close and reacted without fear, shame,
To speak out loud how beautiful Luna’s tears appear upon your hair and cheek,
Say how you standing this close to me makes the fiber of my being overwhelmingly weak,
My hands trembling while my rational mind tries disassembling the needed want to touch you,
My head cocked to the side eyes continuing to slide searching for sight of the sign,
My tongue sliding across my lips as if imagining the after taste of your wine,
For once I want us to be boundless in the captivity of my desire for you,
For a sweet divine spell shed the labels that I know you think keep you stable,
For a side step out of time be the living word to your physical rhyme,
Be seen by your soul, your heart, to sunder what always never finishes the spark’s start,
Accelerate at an unbridled pace until we incinerate all the things that were locked gates,
For a collection of moments not counted let my feelings be exalted and not faulted.

What would it be,
If it was just you and me,
Beneath a canvas of stars,
Or inside a smoky dive bar,
What would it be,
What conversation would start unfolding,
What unsaid things would we be holding,
What would it be,
What reaction would I see,
If I expressed my desire,
Your hands still burning on my skin like violet fire,
What would it be,
If you got up real close to my body,
With your warmth pushing against my electricity,
What would your lips do,
If they were closer than a breath to my two,
What would be said between you and me,
What would it b

I could talk about lips as lush as the Nile valley,
Speak on how your lips are sweeter than honey,
How your eyes make me gasp like a blind man seeing his first sunrise,
My desire for you like a Hawaiian lava flow coursing between my thighs,
Burning and moving until it meets your cool rhythmic tide,
Seeing sparks and steam when our living temples collide,
Sizzling moist, fresh and soft yet smoldering in my core,
Creating a new world from our overflowing desire
Holding me, molding me, folding me into positions beyond dream,
Shifting, lifting me higher than where Everest pushes against the sky's seams,
Wth my eyes closed you show me more things than the heart of unexplored rain forests hold,
You make me seize, moltenly freeze, frenzied and out of control,
YOU make me beam, make me scream and fight what I believe is too good to be true,
A fight already won I gave in from the first kiss from you,
Got me scratching and biting from the flame you made an inferno full blown,
Baptizing me, capitalizing on showing me what I've never known,
To fully describe what you do to me, is beyond my words to share,
Your loving is beyond compare

The July sun down pours on me,
Soaking my skin and I think to myself this is living,
The sounds of the city are a symphony,
A beautiful concert for which I don't need money,
The day skips along pitch perfect as my favorite song,
The sun slowly sets ushering in a celestial throng,
Wrapped in satin blue twilight, a lover's delight,
And I am looking for an opening in the winless fight,
I remember when we first crossed glances,
Shoulders stiffened, as we took our ready stances,
I was cocky, and you were so confident,
Thinking I was ready to go toe to toe,
Not knowing this was the main event,
Thought I dipped, ducked and dodged your every blow,
Countered with my all what a spectacular show,
Gasping for air, all of my weaknesses displayed,
Losing a battle much to my pride's dismay,
I tried to walk away not wanting to hear what the judges would say,
NO contest, even though I tried my best,
I hung my head once the decision was in,
Rethinking what was flawed in my strategy,
And wondering just how you had gotten the best of me,
Like a camera flash capturing an undiscovered side of my profile,
I lifted my head with grin, beaten down with a smile

We seems so far apart,
Hearts and minds possibly connected,
Suspected of more only by looks and glances,
Chances are we would never meet or agree,
See that within we aren't so different,
Bent by the wind learning to brave the elements,
Sent by nature and humanity,
Insanity to be friends with a spark of more,
Doors unlocked but you don't step through,
You make me excited yet so cared,
Bared my soul and I rattled my chains,
Disdain when you seemed to lose attention
Retention of my fears reappeared,
Feared that you were only just a dream,
Deemed me nothing more than a trend,
Friend where and when did this distance begin again
Pretend there is no one else around but you and me,
Free the chemistry and sparks that light up the dark,
Open your heart, share your kiss, spread your arms,
Harm does not lie in consideration and affection,
Protection of an image is a no end avenue,
You have always been the beautiful one,
Done no wrong unforgivable,
Lovable, adored mischievous trouble,
Double edged sword, and I've cut myself deep,
Sleep don't come easy for me, drinking stops us thinking,
How I see you outside, is what my soul is singing inside,
Pride won't let me lay bare and share,
How much I care, want you next to me no matter when or where,
But the words cannot seem to pass my lips,
Sips of bitter sweet emotion I keep taking,
Breaking myself down wondering when love will be found,
Bound to be all the things you crave but to outwardly deny,
I'm ready to let it go, Know this man know this love and gifts,
Shift away from popularity, and feel me see me with clarity.