Last night was girls' night out. It was fun. Something I'd like to do more often.

Not really looking forward to visiting my parents next week. Maybe I'll get myself a new sexy something or other, for when I do have someone I'd want to wear it for. Cause there really isn't anywhere around here to buy that sort of thing.

I've been thinking about someone alot lately, wanting to talk cause I miss him, but the thing is, I know it's a bad idea for me. (The last time I talked to him, I couldn't sleep and spent the next three days very uncomfortable.) But if he really wanted to talk to me, he would.

Looking forward to tomorrow...my friend and I are going out with our daughters. And then Thursday's my 2 year anniversary. Thinking of getting a bottle of spumante cause I haven't done that in ages. (The last one I bought was a red spumante which was absolutely disgusting. Didn't taste like spumante at all.)

Up way past my bedtime again. It's not that I'm not tired. I am. But I keep having dreams...very pleasant and very vivid dreams...that I'd rather not be having cause it is a huge disappointment to wake up and realize it was only a dream.

So my cell decided to go for a swim last night. (I will never put it in my back pocket again unless it buttons!) I put it in rice, though, so it's working now.

My oldest is really upset with me. I was with my potential boyfriend. I waited until 2am. Apparently, even though she decided going to a party when she got back at midnight-as opposed to coming home first-doesn't matter. I need to get my priorities straight. Because I'm not supposed to have a life. This is what I get, I guess, for putting my life on hold for 10 years (with the exception of one brief, weekend fling) taking care of her and her sister.

Had fun, though. That's what I want, fun. Being with someone I'm crazy in love with is way too intense. Makes for the most amazing sex ever but emotionally, it really sucked. Not somewhere I want to go alone.

Going to help my friend more today. I have tons of stuff I need to do around here, but it's more fun helping someone else. And doing things for others is a good distraction if you use any mindfulness principles.

My adoptive mother called a few days ago, to cement plans of our visit. I really do not want to be there for nearly a week, and my youngest doesn't want me to stay the whole time, either. Shopping will be nice. I can get more paint, if I remember to get it. And I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to write. Plus I could probably get together with old friends from school. But I like sleeping in my own bed. And since my car has issues, I have to have someone drive me. So it will feel a bit like being stuck out in the middle of nowhere (12 miles from the nearest city) and dependent on someone else to go anywhere. And I don't like being dependent on anyone for anything. (Goes along with not expecting anything...can't get let down that way. I learned a long time ago that people don't always do what they should or what they say they will.)

Going to help a friend with her packing and moving...and then run to my favoritest store ever (sarcasm) to shop in the middle of the night cause that is absolutely the best time ever to shop there. For me, this is fun. And I'm thinking about bringing the old Playgirl I found in my garage that she dared me to buy. They don't publish that anymore, Playgirl. Though I've yet to meet a woman who thinks it's a turn-on to look at man who's, well, limp.

Talked to my favorite sister yesterday. She lives in the Denver area. Wants me to come out for a visit. I think she also may want me to move out there. Which wouldn't be bad. I can write there just as well as any other place. (And on average, writers there make more than the national average.) It's something I'd have to think about really hard for a really long time, though. I moved up here on a spur-of-the moment. I just came for a family reunion with my biological family...was supposed to go back to Florida after the week was up...but then, I had recently left my then-husband so it didn't take much for my family to convince me how much safer I would be with over a thousand miles between us. It took another 13 years before I got my divorce. I don't usually think about back then often (other than the daily reminder when I look in the mirror) but the 16th of this month is the 2 yr anniversary of my divorce. Still trying to decide what I'm going to do for myself that day.

Really wish the sun would come out and stay out. Tired of this gloomy weather. But I guess the weather makes it a good day to organize and clean.

I was able to toss one more notebook over the weekend. What's remaining is the biggest notebook, a couple of small memos, and a (rather large) pile of papers. Something for me to work on while I'm out getting some sun. Although maybe I'll be in the mood to do some new writing. Cause I'm pretty sure I haven't since I started this project.

I was invited to a birthday party tonight, but at the moment, I don't really want to go. Just really moody and a little bit anti-social. I've resolved my feelings for that one ex. Alot of it had to do with my commitment phobia. The one time I thought it was safe to fall for someone, I was so wrong. I was basing my feelings on rational things when feelings are anything but rational. And using that to avoid dealing with someone else. Which I still don't want to think about. Cause I don't want to skulk around, looking all miserable. Maybe I should go to that party.

I don't really want a second chance with that ex. Sure, I'll probably always like him somewhat. But if I really think about it, I don't like the way he ended things. Sure, it was better than blowing me off, making excuses about suddenly being too busy, or behaving in ways to get me to do it for him, but not by much. And then I hear that the real reason didn't have anything to do with the one he gave me. I don't want to be with someone who is that insecure that they're going to listen to what someone else has to say and not even ask me. Plus, I'd be expecting another mood swing and flaky behavior anyway. No matter how much I like someone, I can't be happy with them if I can't trust that they're not going to do something that's going to hurt me tremendously.

So, I went out with a friend. Met up with a new potential boyfriend. I like him alot...but not like the one I dated over the winter...so, I shouldn't have any problems walking away if his words and actions don't match. But anyway, we stopped in somewhere, didn't know my neighbor was there until I pass her coming from the bathroom. And the bartender tells us we had to leave because she (neighbor) was there first. I guess my friend and the neighbor got into it about my 12 yr old daughter, and the neighbor called her the c-word. I went back in to ask her if she did, and she said, yeah, she called her the c-word and that I was a fucking whore as well. And she had the balls to come over to my house yesterday and pound on my door. When I wouldn't talk to her, she emailed my oldest and denied saying it. After she very proudly bragged about it. It's not that she hasn't been a very good friend lately; she never really was a good friend to start with. I just over-looked alot of things I never should have. Friendships are like any other kind of relationship. Both people should be putting in equal amounts of effort and it shouldn't be at the convenience of one person.

Saw the love of my life again...and even though it's been two years, I still feel the same. And now we can be civil towards each other. We didn't talk much, just sat there making goo-goo eyes at each other. If I had a second chance, I'd take things alot slower. And be more open with my feelings. But it is WAY past my bedtime. Need sleep. (Can barely keep my eyes open.)

My oldest is home from school for a month. She's going to visit my favorite sister who lives out-of-state this Friday, for a week. My youngest is planning a visit with one of her cousins at the grandmother's...too bad it won't be the same week. Since becoming a parent, the longest I've gone without children has been maybe 3 days once and one other time a couple days. In over 19 years. So a week to play pretend at not being responsible for anyone else-other than the dog-would have been nice. Plus my house would pretty much stay clean, not to mention being able to write without distractions.

Haven't been doing much writing this past week. As much as I enjoyed having people visit, I find it over-whelming not having any time completely to myself. So I'm really enjoying being the only person awake right now.