beachdreamz's Blog - page 25

Can someone tell me what the people talking about views are talking about? Im lost

As for what I wrote...Im calmer now. I ended up talking to him and he has called me. I don't care if everyone on this site thinks I am after attention or whatever. I was hurting and I needed a place to vent.

This guy means a lot to me, even if end up friends. Not everyone is going to understand that and thats ok. They say the people who love you will never make you cry but I don't feel that way. If I can't cry over someone then to me they are not that important to me. Mind you, someone trying to make you cry is a different story.

Someone please help me.

Actually nothing but time can help me. I hurt so bad right now I can't even see straight. I never realized just how bad I had fallen. For the first time in almost four years I let someone in. I took down the walls and let myself think there was someone there. My friends all saw it- they knew there was someone even though they didn't know who he was. I am physically sick. I've lost over 10 pounds in the past week. All I want is to get out of my head for even an hour so that I am stop it all. I think of him when I sleep, watch tv, go out -it just doesn't matter. I'm too scared to talk to my friends because I don't want to be this mopey dramatic person. I'm doing all I can to get over this. I try and stay busy, I stay away from anything online where he is.
The worst part is that even though my head tells me to smarten the fuck up I just can't let go. We do talk some still and maybe he does just need space, but I'm smart enough not to believe in that.

I'm not writting this to get comments from everyone to cheer me up. I just need to get it out because I feel like I am drowning.I want to call him so bad but I can't and won't. I've even met new guys since being in Toronto but I just can't. The worst part right now is I love music and every song I hear is making it worse. However the new song by Evanesance -its almost perfect for how I feel. Even without all the crap I would like it. Amy Lee's voice is amazing

Good Enough

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
Crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
Now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
Now I can't let go of this dream
Can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
Its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
Am I good enough
For you to love me too

So take care what you ask of me
Cause I can't say no

akk! I posted a blog and it somehow disappeared

Anyways..thanks to all for the advice, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I've been thinking about what was said and I think I agree that this is just not going to work. But in my own mind so I don't always wonder "what if" I am giving him the benefit of doubt in a way. I am not going to chase after him. If he comes to me then we will see what happens. After all this taking it slow is the only option --meaning until I know where we are exactly - No sex or fooling around.
To be fair you are only getting my point of view on this mabye going slow is all he really does want even though I don't think so. The worst thats going to happen is he breaks my heart..its not he first time and won't be the last I am sure. Its not like I am going to stop looking so I am not missing out on meeting someone else. He probably isn't the guy for me, but I am trying to convince myself its his loss. I know from the past that rejection hurts for a while but the pain goes away.

Since I have moved to Ontario I know that I have lost a bit more weight which is a goal for me. I also know that when I do find that guy who is right he will be one lucky guy...I am independant, I love sports, playing video games,playing poker and getting dirty is no big deal. I also love to cook, bake, take care of people, to wear lingerie. I love sex and thnaks in a big part to NN I am willing to explore a lot more things than before. I am a super nice person - I can't stand the idea of hurting someone, even if its someone I dislike. I may flirt but I don't play games and I am not high maintenance. If thats not whats hes looking for than thats his problem because I can't change who I am.
Now once I convince myself of all the above I can move along...with or without him.

OK I need some advice again although I think I already know my anwser.

You know that I had met someone online in Sept and how it went. Well since then we had talked a lot and he was always telling me he was so excited for me to get to Toronto and that he couldn't wait to spend time with me etc. It got to the point where he told me he was falling for me and that well basically he hoped it would be long term (this was on Oct 22 --i only know cause my msn convos are saved)
Anyways a few days before I get to Toronto it shifted to he wants to take it slow and see where it goes and he wants to be secure with himself before he gets into another relationship.
Fast forward and I arrive in Toronto on Thursday and I did get to see him, however not for a long period of time.We said we were going to take it slow and then ended up having sex...which ended in the discussion we need to hang out more in public so we behave (his idea not mine) We had sorta set up plans for Saturday while I was still in Gan..anyways Saturday comes around and when I call him he says OMG I forgot we had plans and I made plans with a friend. He knew I was upset but we couldnt talk about it just then. Because I had no phone (and still dont grrrrr) we never talked until tonight when I got my msn hooked up. He asked if was upset and I told him I was. We talked for a bit and now he claims he never said he was ready for a relationship...which I am not even sure where that came from cause that word never came from my mouth and that I sometimes accuse him of things (being a player..just wanting sex even in a joking way--which is sort of true. Its not because I don't trust him..its because I am scared.)

He had to leave for a bit then he came back and msg'd me on msn and we it was kinda odd..not the normal convo we have but it was ok. He still called me by his pet name for me and said basically he needs to figure out who he is before he starts dating someone seriously. He stressed "I do really really really like you ... " but those three dots worry me..as does his reference to "friends" too many times.

At this point Ive been in TO for 5 days and saw him once--although he said he did try to call so maybe he did want to do something.

Am I being a fool? Because I think I am..I think he has changed his mind about me and now wants out but doesnt know how to without coming off as a jerk. I so wanted this to work because I really like him and I pray he is just nervous...but I don't think thats the case. So what do I do so that I know without blowing it? I can't pretend to have a busy schedule..he knows I know no one here and I am not comfortable going out alone at night. Someone please help me...wtf am I doing wrong that I can't keep and find a guy...I think I come off as clingy..and the worst part is that Im not. I need my own space and I am independant. I just want someone to hang out with and have some fun. All I want to do is cry because I just can't figure out what is so wrong with me.

Well I now live in Toronto and I think my stress level finally got the best of me. I think I cried more this weekend then I have in the past year. Everything that can go wrong basically has. Rogers fucked up and my phone that was supposed to be hooked up on Thursday didn't happen...it didn't happen Friday, Saturday--but they couldn't do it and rescheduled for Sunday..when they didn't show up AGAIN. I lost it with the poor call center agent. Then some scary guy came up to me while I was on the pay phone with Rogers and asked me if I was going to be on the phone all day...with the look I gave him I'm not sure how I didn't get beat up. I need to remember where I am.

Anyways I am here...and safe ( I think) and once the level of stress goes down to extremely high I hopefully can start to concentrate on other things. One thing I hate about myself is that I am very focused but that backfires when something is on your mind and it overtakes everything else.

Tonights plan..nachos, and watching the leafs play..it sucks that I am finally so close and yet I still can't see them play live.

First off..WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO I just finished my last shift..well the last official one. I come in tomorrow and maybe Monday for some clean up stuff.

As for my last blog thanks all for your imput. I think I will take the advice and wait. He does know I have pics (hes seen some and I do have a few of him *wink*) I just know that people who have never been involved in NN don't understand its not what it seems. I have no interest in making my own website or anything nor meeting up with someone for random sex.

VB..as for your marriage proposal..I am leaving that. I think you are amazing and in a different time I would love to get on my knees and blow you ..I mean ask for your hand in marriage lol. My blog is a part of me and whether or I post here all that I wrote about is a part of me. I can't erase it and its what made me who I am.

I really don't see me leaving NN..at least not in the immediate future...lol I just may need to clear my history everyday

OK all I need some advice. As you know I am moving to Toronto in about a week or so. I have met someone from there (not the reason I am moving there) and we plan on dating and seeing each other again once I am there. I think in the end this may be a serious thing - or it could also end up lasting a month but I don't think so. Anyways my question...do I tell him about NN and when?

For anyone out there who knows me, NN is not about sex to me as far as finding a cam parnter, cyber sex pal, or even finding someone to hook up with. I started posting on NN because my self esteem was so low. With my ex telling me I was nothing but trash and how no one would ever be interested in me I wanted to see if he was right. I found out I got some nice comments and that lead me to stay a little bit but what made me join this NN community was the friends that I have made here. I found such awesome people and with it being an adult site we can fool around and not have to worry about being Xrated and oddly enough it seems I get asked less for cyber here than on Yahoo (plus no bots!)
Anyways I intend to stay a part of NN...at least through chat and blogs...not sure on pics yet. So do I tell him or just let it go? I don't want him to post on here...Ive seen people who are on NN as couples and I know I can't handle it. In a way I would rather keep nn private but I also am not trying to hide anything from him.I know hes not the most confident guy in the world(although I have no idea why not) so it may bug him but I also dont see nothing wrong with visiting NN for social reasons. Also if I decide to remove my pics but stay a member is this something that may come back to haunt me? I am not ashamed of posting on here but I do see that to some its "bad" and not understood (not really him..I was thinking if his family ever found out, friends etc)
Just curious in the views of others who have been in this situation. I would love to introduce him to NN and all its amazing aspects but I am just not sure I am ready for the consequences of it..could improve a relationship or harm it.


INPUT PLEASE!!

well I started deleting..and got lost in my blog remembering things lol. So I am compromising for now and deleting jokes and such for now.HAHAH and to make that completely unvalid...I am adding one

The prayer

My dildo, which brings me heaven, rabbit b thy name. Til kingdom come, thy makest me cum, on earth til i am in heaven. Give me this day, my daily thrill & 4giv me my screams, as i 4give flat batteries. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from frustration. 4 thine is the rotation, the power & the buzzing, 4ever and ever, no men

Ok I dont want to do this but I think I have too............

I need to start deleting some blogs. Its taking forever for my blogs to load. I don't want to do this...I love going back and reading about what I was doing and how I was feeling. Does anyone else out there go back and read thier own blogs? LOL some stuff I write makes me laugh and other posts bring back memories. And I know people go back and read some of mine because I just had a comment for something I wrote in July (haha he told me he commented or I would have never seen it)

A blogger in mourning

We got snow today...did the big guy in the sky forget it was October?? I know that they are calling for a mild winter...I guess nobody mentioned fall!

This time next week I will have one shift left of my job (not including the clean up shifts) I can't believe how fast the past 6 months have gone by. So much has changed...yet really so much stayed the same. I still very nervous about moving...I don't have the amount of money I would like to take with me and that scares me...especailly since I have to furnish an apartment with at least some basics...Blankets, pillows, dishes, towels, soap, silverware, glasses. I've already said the Dollar store is my favorite and in times like this it proves why (haha also the fact I can afford everything there lol-just not all at once!)
So if any NN'ers out there have some junk they need to get rid of send it my way will you!