clittylicker's Blog - page 16

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: "There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus, then licked his finger. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?"

_____________________________________________________________________


There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

OK Benjie & juicy, u started a craze!! lol

8 January 1953

Your date of conception was on or about 17 April 1952 which was a Thursday.

You were born on a Thursday
under the astrological sign Capricorn.
Your Life path number is 9.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go!

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1 & 5.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 7 & 11.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 4, 8 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2434385.5.
The golden number for 1953 is 16.
The epact number for 1953 is 14.
The year 1953 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/27/1952 and ending 2/13/1953.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Goose; your plant is Bramble.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 22 Tevet 5713.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 23 Tevet 5713.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.16.19.3.1 which is
12 baktun 16 katun 19 tun 3 uinal 1 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Thursday, 21 Rabi'u'th-Thani 1372 (1372-4-21).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 5 April 1953.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 5 April 1953.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 18 February 1953.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 24 May 1953.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 31 May 1953.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 10 September 1953.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 31 March 1953.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 17 February 1953.

As of 3/21/2008 10:52:16 PM EST
You are 55 years old.
You are 662 months old.
You are 2,880 weeks old.
You are 20,161 days old.
You are 483,886 hours old.
You are 29,033,212 minutes old.
You are 1,741,992,736 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Ami Dolenz (1969) R. Kelly (1969) Don Bendell (1947)
David Bowie (1947) Robby Krieger (1946) Stephen Hawking (1942)
Yvette Mimieux (1939) Shirley Bassey (1937) Elvis Presley (1935)
Charles Osgood (1933) Soupy Sales (1926) Ron Moody (1924)
Larry Storch (1923) Jos‚ Ferrer (1912) Butterfly McQueen (1911)
Galina Ulanova (1910) James Longstreet (1821)

Top songs of 1953
Vaya Con Dios by Les Paul & Mary Ford Song from 'Moulin Rouge' by Percy Faith
Rags to Riches by Tony Bennett The Doggie In the Window by Patti Page
You You You by Ames Brothers I'm Walking Behind You by Eddie Fisher
Till I Waltz Again with You by Teresa Brewer Don't Let the Stars Get In Your Eyes by Perry Como
No Other Love by Perry Como St. George and the Dragonet by Stan Freberg

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 7.8908023483366 years old. (You old hound dog, you!)

Your lucky day is Saturday.
Your lucky number is 8.
Your ruling planet(s) is Saturn & Uranus.
Your lucky dates are 8th, 17th, 26th.
Your opposition sign is Cancer.
Your opposition number(s) is 2 & 7.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 293 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 56 candles.

Those 56 candles produce 56 BTUs,
or 14,112 calories of heat (that's only 14.1120 food Calories!) .
You can boil 6.40 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1953 there were approximately 3.6 million births in the US.
In 1953 the US population was approximately 150,697,361 people, 50.7 persons per square mile.
In 1953 in the US there were approximately 1,667,231 marriages (11.1%) and 385,144 divorces (2.6%)
In 1953 in the US there were approximately 1,452,000 deaths (9.6 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1953 the population of Australia was approximately 8,902,686.
In 1953 there were approximately 202,235 births in Australia.
In 1953 in Australia there were approximately 70,640 marriages and 7,962 divorces.
In 1953 in Australia there were approximately 80,188 deaths.


Your birthstone is Garnet

The Mystical properties of Garnet

Garnet is used as a power stone

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Emerald, Rose Quartz


Your birth tree is

Fir Tree, the Mysterious

Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.


There are 279 days till Christmas 2008!
There are 292 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was in its last quarter.

For all you poor deprived people who don't know what TimTams are, a picture of four different varieties of the Food of the Gods!



They are soooooo good that any Australian who is martyred gets 72 TimTams (and a jar of Vegemite) when he gets to Paradise!!

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send back to
the manufacturers and every now and then they send a free box of matzo
balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
Rabbi
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all you perves & pervettes!!

May today bring you all the loving you could ever wish for. (Don't forget to take pics of the luvvin tho. ) )

/me skips away to get his share

Well, it's finally official, I really am an old fart.

I became a Grandfather for the first time yesterday, 6th February. Jessica Emily was born by C section at midday. Mum and 8lb bub are both well )

You know those lil plastic clip thingies that come on a loaf of sliced bread?

Well, what happens to them as soon as you open a loaf??? They always immediately disappear, never to be seen again!!!

My theory is that they are an alien life form, gathering in some remote corner of the world; when they have a big enough army gathered, they will wreak their terrible vengeance on mankind!

Beware the plastic bread clip thingies!!!! The day is nigh!!!

Beer is the answer........

but I can't remember what the question was!