I've wanted to thank the friends I've made here. Simply because of the fact of nothing more than feeling the self worth those of you in the community have given me.

Aside from that, the laptop I had been using has since bit the dust and gives good explanation as to why I've been gone.

From a broken soul who has needed to be loved, a dear friend of mine picked me up, dusted me off and helped me realize that life is what you make it.

I am a rough and uncut diamond that has been polished in spots that haven't seen the type of care I've needed in years.

This isn't goodbye.

It never will be.

When I got home from my trip in Europe it wasn't more than a week later that I found out my doctor was moving. Instead if sitting there and wondering how the hell I was going to live without this wonderful person whose been so incredibly supportive to me.

I woke up. I knew at some point in my life I was going to move and leave, why wouldn't she?

I can't bank on all doctors knowing how to treat someone with a thyroid disorder and so I asked for help from trusted information center and found someone close by who could help.

She's two hours away from me but this doctor shortage is horrible.

I can't take my health for granted. It's why I'm seeing a Naturopath now.

Also- I've made a really great find in why I can't orgasm in random hoop-ups and it makes sense.

http://www.salon.com/2013/11/11/the_real_reason_women_have_trouble_orgasming_during_casual_sex/

I just exploded like a watermelon.

Carry on.

“If you cum and she doesn’t…you didn’t fuck her, she fucked you.”

I'm going to make this short.

I'm going to be gone for a month in Europe (Yeah - I know! I'm just as shocked!) backpacking with two of my cousins.

Technically I just did, right?

There are days when it's just a tough day, but even tougher when I find a blogger that has also been sexually abused.


I just...

I know it's not just me out there who has HAD this happen.

But I don't know how to tell my parents about who it was but I'm so tired of living in fear. I'm so emotional about this I'm crying.

I'm just hoping for a better day tomorrow.

While on vacation I learned something about myself while my friends were looking through wedding stuff for another friend of ours that is getting married next year and merely looking ahead on designs.

This is when my closest friend had spoke up and said how she planned on having her wedding. It never occurred to me personally at all until then that I had ever even envisioned myself getting married to anyone like me?

Who would want to, even?

This is when I started realizing that I believe that I'm not capable of being loved. It's possible that it's due to the fact that this condition that I have and have had for who knows how long without it being treated has some effect in me believing that with those I do know that have the disease have been through divorces over this issue.

I also don't exactly have the best track record and it isn't long at all. It's mostly out of fear because I don't want to find someone like the last one. I also don't date anyone nearby because there's a high majority of deadbeats here and I have yet to find one that can prove me wrong.

I know that there are others with this disease who merely won't date simply because they don't have things under wraps. It's kind of tough as it is. Diet is everything with this disease, but even more so there's so many things that essentially can cause problems - like stress.

But what it comes back to is that, I've never really even thought about how I'd have my own wedding if it ever happened. Growing up while other girls I knew were planning their dream weddings, all I did was buy magazines of houses with elaborate landscaping. But they also didn't get sexually abused as I had been.

All I could ask for is a roof over my head where I would feel safe and the house would be mine.

So I could breathe and live like others did. Smile and laugh and be happy.

Sex is not a bad thing, but I'm starting to notice that I'm getting a bit carried away with what I'm watching.

Thankfully one of the sites that I follow had a really good article and I started realizing after reading and watching the video, it's making sense.

Trust me when I say that I love this community of people. I just don't want to stay hooked onto it since I now know why I can't orgasm. It's because it's expected of me and I know it'll never be like it is in a porno. I also don't want to feel disconnected which is another thing I feel.

Article: [url]http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/one-mans-journey-stopped-watching-pornography-im-going-back-hesaid/[/url]

Video:

1. Rent movies with hot guys in them that are in the genre you enjoy most. Or just rent something like Burlesque or Hairspay thats empowering for us chicks.

TIP: Avoid Rom-Coms - you'll feel sadder watching them. Plus, John Travolta in drag is kind of awesome.

2. Buy minimal snacks. Sale stuff if you can but if you can find something that gives you happy memories like a candy you grew up with, grab a couple of those and some popcorn or ice cream.

TIP: 50% off chocolate is TOMORROW. Also don't buy the cheap crap, get that quality Haagen Daaz ice cream. You'll thank me for the less ingredients later. Ben & Jerry's also works.

3. Build a fortress of pillows/blankets or snuggle with your pets. Nothing makes the day brighter than making a secluded shelter for yourself. Just make sure you can still see the TV for your movie.

4. Most importantly: BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND! HAVE YOUR OWN ME PARTY!

I shit you not.

I love my bass.