Fire68 wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
> > Christmas Party. Fire68 is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
> > taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
> > the party.
> >
> >
> >
> > As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Fire68
> > had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
> > couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
> > to them, a single red rose!
> >
> >
> >
> > Fire68 sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
> > pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
> > spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
> >
> >
> >
> > He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
> > back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
> > the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
> > kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
> >
> >
> >
> > "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to
> > make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love,
> > "alias"
> >
> >
> >
> > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
> > steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
> > table, eating.
> >
> >
> >
> > Fire68 asks, "Kid, what happened last night?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind. You fell over
> > the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
> > got that black eye when you ran into the door."
> >
> >
> >
> > Confused he asked his daughter, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
> > so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
> >
> >
> >
> > His daughter replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
> > tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
> > married!"
> >
> >
> >
> > Broken Coffee Table $239.00
> >
> > Hot Breakfast $14.20
> >
> > Two Aspirins: $0.38
> >
> > Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless!!

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Out in the yard with your wife and children
Working on some stage in LA
Did you stand there in shock at the site of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky
Did you shout out in anger
In fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry

Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below

Did you burst out in pride
For the red white and blue
The heroes who died just doing what they do
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself to what really matters

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone
Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
Did you dust off that bible at home
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy you a gun
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give your own blood
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

The greatest is love
The greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day

Yes I was in the hospital they did everything they could but I pulled through hehehe Glad to be out of that place thnx for all your concern cya all in chat!!

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know he r first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------- ------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'd be on your knees sucking my cock

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin' it to you in the back of
my car...... I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little mustache.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Sure that isn't "yield to merging traffic"?

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load on your back.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me...As long as you're still warm when I shove it up
your ass.

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said your ass looks fat in those pants!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

Sign up early and get a discount on registration
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pict! ures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of
turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASHBIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available!

Instructions on how to change the oil in your car





Oil change instructions FOR WOMEN:



Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


MONEY SPENT:



Oil change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00



Oil change instructions FOR MEN:



Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stand under kid’s pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in the process.
Crawl out from under the car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decided to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled!
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the yard along with drain plug.
Drink beer.
Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
Drink beer.
Crawl under car getting kitty litter into your eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw stupid crescent wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes.
Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
Beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Call loving wife, make bail.
12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00

DUI $2,500.00

Impound fees $75.00

Bail $1,500.00

Beer $40.00

Total $4,165.00



BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!

>

> December 8: 6:00 PM.

>

> It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took

> our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft

> flakes

> drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So

> romantic

> we felt like newlyweds again.

> I love snow!

>

> December 9:

>

> We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch

> of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely

> place

> in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.

> Shoveled

> for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our

> driveway

> and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up

> the

> sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a

> perfect life

>

> December 12:

>

> The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My

> neighbor

> tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow

> on

> Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of

> winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's

> possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

>

> December 14:

>

> Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20°.

> The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I

> warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The

> snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't

> realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly

> get

> back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

>

> December 15:

>

> 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow

> tires

> for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

> The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think

> that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

>

> December 16:

>

> Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting

> down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think

> was

> very cruel.

>

> December 17:

>

> Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

> Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay

> warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.

> Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I

> hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own

> living room.

>

> December 20:

>

> Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.

> More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.

> Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy

> playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store

> around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have

> another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to

> shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

>

> December 22:

>

> Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white

> shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August.

> Took

> me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to

> piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too

> tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the

> rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is

> lying.

>

> December 23:

>

> Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to 0°. The wife wanted me to

> decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!!

> Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I

> think she's lying.

>

> December 24:

>

> 1 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was

> having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that

> snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to

> death

> with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me

> to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an

> hour

> and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife

> wanted

> me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too

> busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

>

> December 25:

>

> Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop

> tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.

> God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a

> donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have

> a

> bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a

> Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

>

> December 26:

>

> Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.

> She's really getting on my nerves.

>

> December 27:

>

> Temperature dropped to -30°, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after

> 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my

> pipes.

>

> December 28:

>

> Warmed up to above -50°. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me

> crazy!!!!!

>

> December 29:

>

> 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.

> That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

>

> December 30:

>

> Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a

> million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying

> to

> shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.

> 9" predicted.

>

> December 31:

>

> I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

>

> January 8:

>

> Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

>