2 cannibles are kickin back eating a clown.
One cannible looks to the other and says"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Ole was never much of a scholar, but he sure could paint, especially portraits. As his fame grew, people came from all over to have him paint their formal portrait. One day, a beautiful young woman arrived at his studio and asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. "Money is no object. Would a half million dollars be enough?" Since no one had ever made such a request before, Ole figured he'd better get permission from his wife. "Can ya wait here fer a minute whilst I asks Lena?" In a few minutes he returned. "Ya, shoor, you betcha, I can paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so's I have a place to wipe my brushes."
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"Whatch doin?"
"Hunting flies!"
"Oh? Kill any?"
"Yep, Killed 3 males and 2 females!"
"What? How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
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A man and woman were sitting on the sofa.
He says, "Honey, I've been thinking.
If ever it should come up, I don't want to be kept alive
all hooked up to some artificial life support machine.
Living half-dead, half-alive.
Living in some semi-conscious vegetable state.
Bein fed by artificial liquids pumped into me? NO!
If it should ever come up, Honey,
Promise me you won't let this happen to me? OK?
Just Pull the Plug!! Just Pull the Plug!!!
So Lena gets up and unplugs the cord
from the football game on the TV
and pours out the beer.
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The car comes screeching into the driveway and the woman gets out and runs into the house. Shouting to her husband "I just won the lottery. Start packing!" Her husband says "Great news! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She says "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"
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Men are like floor tiles: Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life .
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One day in the Garden of Eden, God comes to Adam and Eve and tells them he has two gifts, one for each of them. The first, he says, is the ability to pee standing up. Adam starts jumping up and down excitedly and loudly declares that he wants it. Eve, listening to him jabbering on and on about it, rolls her eyes and asks God what he has left for her.
"Brains," he replies.
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The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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Why do husbands forget their mistakes? Well, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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What does it mean when a man in your bed is moaning and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Just some laughs this morning.Some for the ladies and some for the men
Hugs and kisses to all !!!!
xxx
