"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A doctor?"

"And why's that?"

"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

A man and woman were laying in bed
After a little bit the woman told him
He should check into those erection pills
So he got up out of bed,and was gone about 2 hrs
When he got back he handed her a bottle of diet pills

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Im pretty sure if dogs could talk
Their favorite phrase would be

You going to eat that

How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?

Her ears flap.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he'll give him a free beer for an amazing trick. The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a hamster that begins dancing and singing.

"That is amazing!" says the bartender and gives him a beer.

"If I show you something else, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees.

The guy pulls out a small piano and a frog. The same hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer.

A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum, and the man agrees.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest. The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father." "You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously. "Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."

The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"