One day a little pig walked into a bar.
He drank a couple, then got up to leave he asked the bartender, "Which way to the bathroom?"
She answered, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." The pig went to the bathroom and left.
The next day another little pig came into the bar.
he also had a few drinks, and asked the bartender where the bathroom was.
Again, she told him, "Go down the hall, first door on your left." Again, he went to the bathroom and left.
This went on for another week.
One day a pig walked in he had a few drinks, but he got up and started to walk out.
The bartender stopped him and asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
The little pig replied "No, I'm going wee wee wee all the way home..."

My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.
So I ripped her clothers off took her up the arse, made her gag and finally came all over her face and tits.




Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this.
I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.
What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.
I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.
I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts.
I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell.
I love her.
You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged.
I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me.
And what makes this all fucking worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.

OXO are introducing a new white oxo cube, with a red cross on it in support of the England Team, its called "The Laughing Stock"

Man on phone to his doctor:
"Doctor, I think my son has VD, and the only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid. Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the doctor roared. "That means we've all got it!"

Me and the wife were going shopping.
But, I'd somehow upset her and she was extremely pissed off at me.

We drove past a farm, there were lots of pigs rolling around in their own shit.
Trying to be smart she said: "Relatives of yours?"
I replied, "Yeah, fucking in-laws".

A cow, an ant and an arsehole are debating who
is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that is
why I am the greatest.

Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter,
I can carry 52 times my own weight and
that is why I am the greatest.

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Why are you scolling down? It's your turn now...
Say something.....!!!

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir."
"Correct, says the manager,now try this one."
"Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man.
He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused says the blind man, Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, I see youre trying to fool me!
But I know exactly what kind of wood that is.
Its the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say"I love you."

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage......And old cars... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it, if you feel that way. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking...I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case I'm gone tomorrow.

I LOVE YA!!!

Live today because tomorrow is not promised..

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear,
"It fucking hurts doesn't it!"