I was walking round Asdas one day when I noticed a woman giving me the eye.
'Do I no you?', I said to the woman.
'I think your the father to one of my kids', She replied.
I thought back to the last and only time i had ever been unfaithful and said.
' Are you the stripper on my stag do that was fucking me as ur friend stuck a cucumber up my arse and spanked me with a piece of wet celery?'.
She looked at me for long moments.....before replying, ' No, Im your daughters school teacher!'

I was having a piss in the pub toilets the other night when the guy standing next to me started shouting and screaming "what the fuck are you doing!?"

I'll be honest, it scared me that much I almost dropped his cock.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them:
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper,
and I get how Rock can beat Scissors,
but there's no way Paper can beat Rock.
Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile?
Why can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?
Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody,
a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock.

Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you....

Two triangles come across a couple of squares getting nasty in the bushes.

"Are they multiplying in there?" asks the first,

The second one replies, "They can't be, I can hear them square rooting."

Walking through town before I tripped and put a huge gash in my leg.
Not wanting to make a scene I got up and tried walking calmly home but a old woman saw me and came over.
'Let me give you something for that.' she said,
pulling out a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates and a 'best fall' badge.

It's nice to win things sometimes.

Are you guys looking for some volunteer work?



WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE!



This shot shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by the recent BP 'leak'.







I am volunteering right now to go down to the coast and help clean the wildlife with my own two hands.

Where do I sign up?

A chav walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just hate drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is £200,000 a year.'

The chav says 'You're bullshittin me!'

The social worker answered 'Well you started it, now fuck off''.

B&B from £6 a night, get pissed-up and ride on some of the world's best rollercoasters before taking in the match,
guaranteed 3 points for your team and countless drunken slappers out on the town after the game......

Carlsberg don't do away games but the Premier League DOES ... Welcome to Blackpool!

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the forest, next to each other.
Suddenly the bear says: "Ey, rabbit, may I ask you a question?"
The rabbit says "Sure, what do you wanna know?"
The bear glimpses at the rabbit and asks "Does the shit sometimes stick on your fur when you're shitting?"
The rabbit grins and replies "No"
"Great" says the bear

and takes the rabbit to wipe his arse