Marriage... a Man’s Perspective
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was... Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

RULES OF LIFE

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't moveand it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of
a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN

It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby"
Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not.
It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas.
Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine

ETERNAL TRUTHS

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
11.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13.Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
17.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
19.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
20.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
21.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

An engineer, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle corporation, died and went to
heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and
your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with
anyone
you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with
God."

St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah,
yes."
"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the
engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours."

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
1 Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Blow job Etiquette ( By a woman )
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning

A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink.

So off they went. The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little un-steady.

Next the redhead - who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting "Whisky", and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically xxxxxxxxxxx.

Now it was the blondes turn. She was very excited, and on her way down he was enjoying the ride so much she shouted - "Weeeeeee"

Kids...

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

5. A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.

Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

6. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

7. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
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BUMP... behind him.
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Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
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Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...
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faster...
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faster...
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BUMP...
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BUMP....
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BUMP.
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He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.
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However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the
coffin clapping ...
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clappity-BUMP...
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clappity-BUMP...
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clappity-BUMP...
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clappity-BUMP...
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on the heels of the terrified man....
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Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps.
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With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
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The man screams and reaches for something, anything but all he can
find is a bottle of cough syrup!
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Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin
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... the coffin stops.

You were expecting something else?