"THE BOOB SCAM WARNING"


PLEASE SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR E-MAIL LIST.
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY, AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS - DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOB HIS IS A SCAM!! HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed, south girl.

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS. Causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

COMPANY POLICY
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another one of the original monkeys and replace it with a new one. The new comer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Likewise, replace a third original with a new one, then a fourth then a fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know:
"THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE AROUND HERE"
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins...

Swen and Ole worked together and both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher.
Finding it to be unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Swen was asked his occupation, "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since deisel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Swen $600 a week unemployment pay.
When Ole found out he was furious.
He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained that 'panty stitcher' was unskilled, where as 'diesel fitter' was a skilled labor.
"WHAT SKILL?" yelled Ole, I sew the elastic onto the panties then Swen puts them over his head and says,
"Yah! these'll fitt 'er"

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St. Thomas' Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name!

I am voting for the Icelandic Volcano party.


It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than Labour has done in the last 10 years

Symptoms Of Being Over 25...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER 25 WHEN...
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.

9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11. You start to worry about your parents' health.

12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18. You always have enough milk in.

19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23. You wish you had a shed.

24. You have a shed.

25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."

26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.

27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on pissing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

Standards My Ass...!!

JUST A QUESTION OF STANDARDS

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? Did you know that a major design feature of the Space Shuttle was determined by the width of a horse over 2,000 years ago!!!!! The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important??

Ah The 90's...

YOU KNOW YOU WERE A TEENAGER IN THE 90'S WHEN...

- You knew who Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael and Donatello were.

- You remember the Milli Vanilli scandal.

- You religiously watched 90210, Melrose Place and Twin Peaks.

- You tight-rolled your jeans.

- You wore big hoop earrings.

- You wore virgin bangles (Madonna bangles).

- You thought bellbottoms were horrible and couldn't understand why anyone would've ever worn them.

- Clogs and scrunchies were in.

- You knew how to do the MC Hammer dance and the running man.

- You owned a pair of Apple Pies, Air Jordan’s, Nike Air’s, or Reeboks Pumps.

- You thought "Ice Ice Baby" was the coolest song ever.

- Your fringe was at least 4 inches high, and you thought it looked good.

- You tried to sing along to "Informer", no matter how hard it was.
- A hairdryer and/or Gel was required to set your hair.

- You rolled up the sleeves of your t-shirts, and tucked in the front, letting the back hang out.

- You wore 2 pairs of neon coloured socks

- You wore overalls with only one side connected.

- You had Exclamation or Taboo perfume.

- You remember cartoons like Mask, Thundercats, Maya the bee, She-ra and He-man.

- You had a "slap band" or a pop swatch.

- You wore your sweat pants pulled up to your knees.

- You had a black Debbie Gibson hat.

- You wanted to be just like Paula Abdul.

- You owned the Spin Doctors tape.

- You said, "PSYCH" or "WAY!"

- You saw "Wayne's World" at least 2 times at the cinema.

- You loved the New Kids on the Block and Bros.

- 21 Jump street and Booker.

- You wore jeans pulled up to your navel.

- All of your clothes were "baggy".

- You wore Kepper or stussy.

- You owned a pair of bike shorts, possibly ones with a neon strip down the side.

- You had a boom box, or your stereo was a weird colour like pink or aqua blue.

- You bought tapes or vinyl.

- You never missed the fresh prince or Degrassi junior high.

- You remember when TLC weren't divas, and they dressed like they were in the circus.

- You thought "I'm Too Sexy" was such a cool song.

- You "busted a move" when C&C Music Factory was playing.

- You remember when Mark Wahlberg was part of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

- You owned a silk shirt, which you tucked into your jeans.

- You wore your socks over your tracksuit pants.

- You had jeans in various colours, like green, brown, burgundy and black.

- You had a Greeks/Italians/Serbs/Lebs do it better T-shirt.

- You were addicted to Nintendo.

- You gave the "peace" sign all the time.

- If you were a guy, you had an "undercut" and you parted it down the middle.

- You had a pair of Dr Martens

- You owned at least one Hyper-colour shirt.

What Religion Is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."