Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?" Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes... Later he runs into the living room and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play.
Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?" Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

THE REASON I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

Had a look at the Imperial War Museum today with south and the little one,she's never been there before.
ve will make u talk.

low flying planes!!!

westminster bridge

How to keep your tank in good order.

30 HARSH THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED GUY
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Awww, it's cute.
I guess this makes me the early bird.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me really drunk first....
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

LOSING A FRIEND (A Must Read)!





This is a very touching story about life, death and friends. It's certain to strum your heartstrings and touch your soul.
I normally don't send out mushy stuff to everyone, but this one below I couldn't help. ... I'm still choked up over it.

Computer Question:


Now here is a challenge!



For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...


Try this!



So, you think you're so smart.


Let's see how computer literate you are ..........


*WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN?:*


*Qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqdjggsdqklgds *


*Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffkgmgqkfjd
*

* Mqielgqfffffffffffffffffffffffffffsqfmq < /FONT>*


*lor:#0000A0">Dsldmfqsfqssfdbvnlklfvnozeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ? *



*SEE THE ANSWER BELOW!













YEP……. THAT'D DO IT !!!!!!!

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?"
asked the child. " Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you".
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take
care of that problem, You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only
go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so
another dog is pushing her home".

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these are to big. I can't wear them." So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we've never had any problems".
'Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks over his father's advice for several days.
Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me."
Jack says, "Exactly right. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here you go try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

RULES OF LIFE

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't moveand it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of
a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan