Bert & Ernie...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing...

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called," come look at the hamster!"

Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?"

After they reach maturity, like most male species, they um... er... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on it’s... Its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Hamsters = $10
1 Cage = $20
Trip to the Vet = $30
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's cock = PRICELESS!!

My Dog



I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.



At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".



So I explained to her that my Dog is not white,

unemployed,

lazy,

can't speak English

and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.



So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.



My Dog gets his first check Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

Sunday afternoon quickie ...



The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities. He began his commentary as his parent’s put their plan into operation:



'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.



'An ambulance just drove by!'



'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.



'Matt's riding a new bike!'



'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'



'Jason is on his skate board!'



After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'



Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'



'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are ... and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."


"Oh, wow! I see," Ed replied.

He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added ... "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off!"

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

Dump the male flight attendants; no one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money.. I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back
20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline
industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a
golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods

Stay Young My Friend

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever..
Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
Spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a shopping trip, even a trip to the next county,
To a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

[url]http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=230451057921#description[/url]

THIS IS A TERRIFIC STORY, BUT YOU MUST READ IT.
Puppy Size
This is one of the neatest stories you will ever hear. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end.

'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.

'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.
'Puppy size!' replied the mother
'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.' 'I know..... we have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration...

Just then Danielle came walking into the office

'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.

'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed

'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.
'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.

Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.'

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'

'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said.

'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said.
'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'



Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.'
I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!!

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.




Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.

The Wythenshawe Asda Greeter

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent,
chav, minger, woman wearing a 10 year old Blues top walked into ASDA in Wythenshawe,
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA’.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'F**k no, they're not twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's six
Why the f**k would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just f*****g stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice’.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'



He got a final warning but reckoned it was worth it to see the look on her face.

Not mine i may add, i think football is a game played by 22 idiots in short pants kicking a bag of wind about.

List

1) If i catch you catch you saying Cristiano Ronaldo is hot, you will automaticaly get a smack on the chin.

2) During the World Cup the television is mine. At all times without any exceptions. Eastenders, Hollyoaks and Corrie can all get to Fuck. Go keep the bed warm for me.

3) I will most likely have a coupon or a bet on. So if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, Don't dare say:
It's only a game
Get over it
They will win next time.
This will only result in a break up or a divorce.

4) Most importantly, making love is out of the question during the entire month. Except from in between matches. If i fall asleep and miss a match.. this will lead to again a divorce or a break up.

5) The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them already. I want to see them again.

6) Make sure you are taking note.

7) Tell your friends NOT to have any parties or gatherings that will require my attendance.
a) I will cuss at you.
b) You will sleep on the sofa.
c) I just will not go

However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Saturday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

9) The World Cup is not a cheesy excuse for us to spend time together. You are welcome to watch one game with me, only one game and you must keep silent during it. except from half time and during commercials

10) Men are ammune to the words "Thank god the world cup is only every 4 years"
After The World Cup comes the:
Champions league
Euro 2012 qualifying
and all the domestic leagues.

11) During The World Cup you can have the remote between 12am and 6am.

12) The Referee is always a wanker.

13) If you here me scream your name be ready to:
Grab me a drink.
Grab me a snack.
Get me new batteries for the remote.

You will not be needed for anything else.

14) During the game I will not be able to hear or see you.
Your job is to make sure there is some beer in the fridge.


15) Don't ask what the offside rule is. This will result in anther smack on the chin and also another for not being in the room keeping the bed warm.