Typical macho man married typical good-looking girl and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

A guy stops to visit his friend who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers from upstairs for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous 17 year old daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Coucil Tenants...

In the following (allegedly) authentic complaints received by local Councils from their tenants,
there are several points which might be misconstrued and seen as a source of amusement by those of low intellect
and immature sense of humour.
For the rest of us, this will serve as a morally improving example
of the crude innuendo enjoyed by the masses:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

- I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

- Their 18-year-old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a hell of a noise,
but the fence is now sagging in the middle.

- This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet
and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

- Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

- I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.
It's all right when my husband is on day-shift,
but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.

- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third,
so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- The toilet seat is cracked where do I stand?

- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something
about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

- Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

- Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed the door the other night,
she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's ready to fall off.

- I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

Old Timers Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over

fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Self- assesment

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad
that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even
vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and fries.

2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You
may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a
stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing
junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet
and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right
now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke
watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't
peed once.

4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might
honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you
for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so
crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class
picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a week's
pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be
alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the
night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) ***** You have a second
heartbeat in your head, which is actually scaring the employee who sits
next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your
eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer
screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your
shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a
damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and
your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of
the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss
doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just
died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because
all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house!!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathised the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."

Then the mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are ALL at risk.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees,
so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby
or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck

A duck walks into a pub and heads straight for the bar. He asks the barman, "Have you got any bread?"
"No sorry, we don't sell bread."
"Have you got any bread?"
"No, I just told you, we don't have any bread."
"Aw right then. What about bread? Do you have any bread?"
"Look you stupid little duck, I don't have any bread! And if you ask me for it one more time,
I'm going to nail your beak to this bar!"
The duck pauses to think. "Have you got any nails?"
"No."
"Have you got any bread?"

MOOD RING

A woman is talking to a friend at a supermarket.
She tells her, "My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns a beautiful blue.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red
mark on his forehead."