"ROLL YOUR OWN"


Bubba walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and!
she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

"PERIOD"

Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. He said a period.

She said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning
my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Here's a collection of famous last words:
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
I'll get your toast out.
Over the last five years the N.T.S.B. has been covertly funding a project with U.S. Auto makers
whereby the auto makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured.
This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised in 42 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were,
"OH SHIT!" Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and
Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

Surely this would solve the problem?

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."

BEER STUDY...

Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but
the evidence is irrefutable.

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the
results of recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer within a one hour period.

It was observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively
without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed
to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while
urinating, couldn't perform sexually and refused to apologize when
wrong.

No further testing is planned.

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there
was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and
said
"T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said, as
sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

As a rule I don't pass on emailed "lists" but this is a good one and worth keeping going.


Please pass it on to as many folk as possible.
It has been circulating for some time now and it is estimated that it has reached over 20 million people so far.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so once you have added your name PLEASE send it on to keep it going.









To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name.





















1. Mrs. Sarah Brown.
2.

lovely stuff.

What Your Work Place Like?

NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, Jan 26 and Dec 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management