The Royal Flush!
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and
they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be
admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space
left that day, so St. Peter must decide one among them.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
she should go to heaven.
So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're
the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will
please him if He's able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "Ok, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I
show you two of God's own creations, she performs a
disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a
pair any day."

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear demands a drink,but the bartender keeps refusing.

Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him,
says,
"Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next
to me.
"

The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off the womans
arm.
"Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too."

The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."
So the bear takes off her other arm.

"Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, lunges forward,
eats the
rest of the women, and says,
"Now get me a drink, or you're next."

The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve bears and especially bears on
drugs."

The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs."
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a bar-bitch-u-ate."
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A panda bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you
going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring.
Eats shoots and leaves.

Sorry if I’ve been ignoring
you............

I now have a new circle of
friends :

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.




A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!



Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'



Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!



An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Once upon a time


there lived a king. The king had a beautiful


daughter, the PRINCESS.


But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what; metal, wood, stone,


anything she touched would melt.



Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?



He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the


king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt


in her hands, she will be cured."




The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan..





The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could


bring his daughter an object that would not melt would


marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.





But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.


The prince went away sadly.




The second prince brought diamonds.






He thought diamonds are the hardest


substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them,


they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.



The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.




She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!



The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and


they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)









M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT.

A Public Health Warning For Men...

WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement Often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman Can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (this term is rarely used)

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.

WIN TICKETS TO THE WORLD CUP




YOU COULD WIN THIS TRIP!
GET 8 TICKETS TO THE WORLD CUP, ACCOMMODATION, FOOD,
TRANSPORT & ROUND TRIP AIR FARE, FOR 28 DAYS.


Answer the following skill testing questions
to win tickets to the 2010 WORLD CUP

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are the male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group photo?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?



I guess you're not going either.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Englands crime capitol Norfolk UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along during the week when one is available."

George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were some people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, an anti-terrorist team two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

Brace yourselves...

Latest inserts into the dictionary -

beeriod (n). Weekly malady suffered by men after a
night on the pop. Symptoms include headache,
moodiness and a bloated stomach. "Leave me alone,
woman, my beeriod started this morning."

beer monkey (n). A mythical simian creature
which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your
bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money and shits
in your mouth.

beer mugger (n). The man you discover has hit you
over the head and taken £35 out of your wallet the
morning after you "nip out for a couple of pints"

bongo mag (n). Rhythm literature, spangle book.

Bugner's eye (n). Flapless female genitalia,
resembling Joe Bugner's closed-up eye in any fight
he's ever had.

butterface (n). A woman with a great figure, but
the face of a darts players' wife. From the phrase
"A good body, but her face...".

change at Baker Street (v). During intercourse,
to decide to play the b-side. From the only station
on the London Underground where it is possible to
change from the Pink Line (Hammersmith & City) to
the Brown Line (Bakerloo).

cheapies (n). Schoolboy sexual thrills. "Miss
Pollard bent down to pick up the chalk giving
William his cheapies ." ( from 'William stirs below'
by Richmal Compton ).

clown's pie (n). A very, very wet fanny. "Finding
ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmoral,
Her Majesty bade me descend to her ladygarden.
After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be
considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the
face with a clown's pie". (From "The memoirs of
Queen Victoria's Ghyllie" by John Brown ).

cock lodger (n). A bloke who lives in his bird's
house without paying rent.

cones are out (euph). ie, only one lane in use.
ragweek.

dangermouse (n). a tampon.

docker's tea break (sim). Descriptive of
something very long. "Oh, what a tiny little man",
laughed Veruca Salt as she saw the Oompah Lumpah."He
may be small", cautioned Mr. Wonka as he turned
briskly on his heel,"but he'll have a cock as long
as a docker's tea break." From 'Charlie and the
chocolate sandwich', by Roald Dahl.

fancy wank (v). To use an ugly bird's fanny to
save wear and tear on your hand.

full English breakfast (n). A very untidy vagina
that is frankly too much to face first thing in the
morning.

Glasgow salad (n). chips.

jizziotherpay (n). A three minute one-handed
massage that relieves stiffness for up to half an
hour.

pisshead's labourer (n). a barman.

rantallion (n). 18th c. One whose shot pouch is
longer than the barrel of his fouling piece.

shaking like a flatpack wardrobe (sim).
descriptive of the female equivalent of vinegar
strokes.

slag wellies (n). Knee-high boots.

snatch patch (n). a feminine hygiene product.

spam butterfly (n). a finger assisted close-up
pink shot in a bongo mag.

stroke the dog through the letterbox (euph). to
slide your hand down the front of a lady's knickers.


woodpecker (n). a woman who performs rapid,
hands-free felatio. From the movement of the bird's
head as she hammers your trunk.

world of leather (n). the parts of an aged lady.
Granny's oysters.

yummy mummy 1.(n). A middle-aged woman worthy of
a good seeing-to, eg.Helen Mirren. 2.(n). A young
mother with a fantastic arse pushing a buggy