As the service was ending and the collection had just finished, the priest saw a £50 note.
He stopped the service and asked who had donated the £50.
A gay man stood up and said, "It was me"
The priest was so impressed he said to the gay man, "As a thank you, you can pick three Hynns"
the gay said, "Okay, I will have Him, Him and Him please"

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown

I had Lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is Engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married For 20+ years.

We were chatting about our Relationships and decided
To amaze our men by Greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed To meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's How it all went.

My engaged Friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came
Over he Found me with a black leather bodice, tall
Stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are
The woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made
Passionate love all Nightlong.


The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels
And Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat
He didn't say a word, But he started to tremble and
We had wild sex all Night.


Then I had to share my Story:

When my husband came home I Was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos And a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door And saw me he said,





"What's for Dinner, Batman?"

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" ...

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?".

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

There was an English man, Irish man and a Scots man who all wanted to marry this beautiful Princess. Her Father, the King, had an unusual fetish for ping pong ball's so he set them all a task.

King - Whoever brings me back the most ping pong ball's in the next 24 hours can have my daughters hand, as well as other bits, in marriage.

First to come back after 12 hours is the English man. He as two big bags full of ping pong balls.

King - Wonderful but there's still twelve hours to go.

Second to come back after 23 hours is the Scots man and he as four big bags of ping pong balls. He pours them all over the floor and the King proceeds to roll around in them.

King - Wonderful, look's like your going to be the one who takes my daughters hand in marriage.

Suddenly the castle door's fly open and in staggers the Irish man. His left leg is hanging off, his clothes are ripped to shreds, he's full of blood and as tufts of hair missing out of his head but as two massive balls under each arm.

King - Dear me, those are all well and good but where's my ping pong balls.

Irish man - Ping pong balls........... I thought you said King Kong's balls.

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, fucking loads of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC you mug?".

really need you're advice for a serious problem!

I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating.

The usual signs; phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot... I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the motorbike, when she came home, she got out of some ones car then she started buttoning her blouse and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was that moment I crouched behind the motorbike and I noticed it... a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

The pipes in our house have always been terrible, and over the past few months sediment has been building up in them.
This morning, upon entering the airing cupboard, I was surprised to see a long green plant of the onion family growing out of the side of them.

The pipes had sprung a leek.