People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.

You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment,
the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
"Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well,wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."

i bet you cant guess what it is advertising before it tells you.
www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I
swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I Said 'I careered off the road.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared office s with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS.

Dear Ladies

Please Please Please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking, young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look!


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco's . You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also Dec 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!!!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....


"Didn't feel a thing."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/7071499/Colette-Arams-killer-jailed-for-life-26-years-after-her-murder.html


Got pulled in for DNA testing on this one in 2008.
Was told this was to elmate one line of enquiry that they were following.

Employee Evaluations

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Excerpts from supposedly actual employee evaluations:

1.Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2.His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3.I would not allow this employee to breed.
4.This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5.Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6.When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7.He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8.This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9.He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10.This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11.This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
12.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13.Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
14.A room temperature IQ.
15.Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
16.A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17.A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18.A prime candidate for natural diselection.
19.Bright as Alaska in December.
20.One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
21.Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
22.Fell out of the family tree.
23.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
24.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25.He's so dense, light bends around him.
26.If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
27.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
28.If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
29.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30.It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31.One neuron short of a synapse.
32.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
33.Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
34.Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.