Academic Phrases and Meanings: The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience"... once

"In case after case"... twice

"In a series of cases"... thrice

"It is believed that"... I think.

"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.

"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.

Finally, a Friendship Poem that for the more cynical of us... Guaranteed sap-free with no cutesy little smiley faces, just the stone cold truth of great friendship.

When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will dog you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath I pledge till the end. "Why?" you may ask.

Because you're my friend.

P.S. And always remember: when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

Who caused that white hair?
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"


A Wise Little Girl
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." When the minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Too Rough
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Kissing on the Playground
An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

That Baby in There
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Bathroom Breaks
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Tithing...
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Saying Grace
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Children in Church
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Pastor's Kids
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Parenting
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

Public Outcry
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

First Things First
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was,"No!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Wittle Wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby? Or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." -Eric, Age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out. -Anita, Age 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, Age 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, Age 8

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -Kirsten, age 10

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, Age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -Bert, Age 5

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." -Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." -Freddie, age 6

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, Age 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, Age 8

What Do Most People do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, Age 10

"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, Age 9

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8.

When is it OK to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, Age 9

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." -Jean, Age 10

"When they're rich." -Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." -Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is it Better to be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -Kirsten, Age 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." -Anita, Age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, Age 7

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. If I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -Kirsten, age 10

Concerning why Love Happens Between Two Particular People:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -Jan, Age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -Harlen, Age 8

How Can a Stranger Tell If Two People are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." -Lori, age 8

What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers to make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -Craig, age 9

On What Falling in Love is Like:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -Roger, Age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -Leo, Age 7

On the Role of Good Looks in Love:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -Jeanne, Age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -Gary, Age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -Christine, Age 9

Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." -Dave, Age 8

Confidential Opinions About Love:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' is on television." -Anita, Age 6

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -Bobby, Age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -Regina, Age 10

The Personal Qualities Necessary to be a Good Lover:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -Ava, Age 8

Some Surefire ways to Make a Person Fall in Love with You:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -Del, Age 6

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -Alonzo, Age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." -Bart, Age 9

How can You Tell if Two Adults Eating Dinner at a Restaurant are in Love?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -John, Age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -Brad, Age 8

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." -Christine, Age 9

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." -Michelle, Age 9

How a Person Learns to Kiss:

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -Doug, Age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." -Carin, Age 9

How to Make Love Endure:

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." -Ricky, age 10

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -Tom, Age 7

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -Randy, Age 8

How Would the World be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" -Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." -Roberta, age 7

Cleaning one of the dryers/ovens out at work.


Just had to clean it out again last night for the second time in 4 weeks.

Take this simple test to determine whether or not you are ready to have children...

THE MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

THE TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.)

THE GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

THE DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor and over your clothes.

THE NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4 am. Set alarm for 5 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your front under your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run rampant. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers.