This is not an actual job application but it's funny anyway.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, Whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Ways to Know That You or Your Parents are Missionaries

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1.You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
2.The vast majority of your clothes are hand-me-downs.
3.You speak two languages but can't spell either.
4.You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.
5.You read National Geographic and recognize someone.
6.You don't know how to play Pac-Man.
7.You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
8.You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.
9.You consider a city 500 km away to be 'very close'.
10.You watch nature documentaries and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.

11.You can cut grass with a machete but can't start a lawn mower.
12.You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
13.You read the international section before the comics.
14.Strangers say they can remember you when you were 'this tall'.
15.You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
16.You do your devotions in another language.
17.You sort your friends by continent.
18.You realize that furlough is not a vacation.
19.You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
20.You've spoken in dozens of churches but aren't a pastor.

21.The majority of your friends don't speak English.
22.Someone brings up the name of a team and you get the sport wrong.
23.You like everything from Reggae to Japanese rap.
24.You never take anything for granted.
25.You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.
26.You know how to pack.
27.Fitting 15 or more people into a car seems normal.
28.You refer gravel roads to highways.
29.You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
30.You get upset when people don't finish their food and feel worse when they scrape it into the trash.

31.You don't think that two hours is a long sermon.
32.You never have a special meal on Sunday, since it is your busiest day.
33.You don't do well in job interviews because you were taught to be modest.
34.You think nothing of straddling white lines to pass between trucks or buses traveling side by side, because "There was plenty of room, officer. Honest! At least 15 cm clearance."
35.Someone in your passport country has to explain to you that the double yellow lines mean ONLY oncoming traffic can drive on that side of the road, even when there ISN'T any oncoming traffic...and you don't understand why.
36.Later that same day, the same poor friend has to go to great lengths to explain to you why you cannot just hand the policeman a dollar and drive away when he stops you, and why you are now being driven downtown in the back of said officer's car over a mere dollar; at which point your passport country ceases to make any sense to you at all.
37.You feel odd being in the ethnic majority.
38.You go to the local Korean restaurant just to listen to the conversation.
39.You have to have five hot sauces on a Big Mac.
40.You really do enjoy Oriental folk music.

41.You marvel at the cleanliness of gas station bathrooms.
42.Your last memories of your parents' families are twenty years old.
43.You think you've died and gone to heaven when you go into a foreign grocery store.
44.You have a name in at least two different languages, and it is not the same one.
45.You miss the sub-titles when you see the latest movies.
46.You feel you need to move after you've lived in the same place for a month.
47.Your idea of a good night is a Japanese cartoon and some seaweed and rice.
48.You cruise the internet looking for fonts that support your 'native' language's alphabet.
49.You think a 'foreign school' conducts classes in English.
50.You try to get onto a military base by showing your passport.
51.Your carry-on luggage weighs more than you do.

Sometimes...

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes..

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes..

when you are happy...

no one sees your smile ....



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But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Need help finding a job? These are taken from real resumes and cover letters.

1.I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2.I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
3.Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4.Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5.Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6.Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7.It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8.Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9.You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10.Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11.I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12.Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13.I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14.I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15.I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16.My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17.I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18.Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19.As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20.Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21.Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22.Marital status: often. Children: various.
23.Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24.The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25.Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26.References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:

•Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
•His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
•I would not allow this employee to breed.
•This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
•Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
•When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
•He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
•This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
•He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
•This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
•This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1.Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2.Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3.Brought her large dog to the interview.
4.Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5.Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

6.She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7.Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8.Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9.Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10.Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

11.Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
12.Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
13.Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14.Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15.Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16.When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17.Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18.Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19.Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20.Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21.Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
22.Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23.While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24.During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25.A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26.An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27.His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28.He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29.He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
30.Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31.He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32.Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
33.Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
34.She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
35.Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this E-mail thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Jimmy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Suzy turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Suzy, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and discovered that it really is more fun! Fred, I mean, Mr. Johnson the department head, has, uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Fred, uh, Mr. Johnson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Jimmy, Suzy and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your little disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'

.'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room..

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many 'Old Folks' ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how they should present themselves. Feeling 'young' , they try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini-skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts.

Shut up! You know it's funny.

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: How long did Cain hate his brother?

A: As long as he was Abel!

Q: What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?

A: So long Fellers!

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?

A: They used floodlights.

Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?

A: 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q: Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?

A: When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?

A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A: David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A: The thought had never entered his head before?

Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?

A: No, he already fell for it once.

Q: Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?

A: Because it was Paul's bottle.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?

A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Why won't we drink milk in the new world?

A: Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?

A: At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."

Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?

A: Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A: The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

A: Because Job16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q: Will there be dogs in the new system?

A: No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

Q: Who was the straightest man in the bible?

A: Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q: Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?

A: Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"