The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

Mathematics...
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,

... thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Rooster Bells
Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters. The roosters were there for one purpose-to fertilize the eggs. Uncle John kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot to be cooked for supper. The unfortunate victims were then replaced by another, hopefully, more productive candidate.
Now this took an enormous amount of time. So when Uncle John found a set of eight tiny bells (that each rang a different tone), he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and yet as Uncle John sat listening, Brewster's bell did not ring at all that morning. He went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.

But Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle John was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Doughboy Dead at 71...
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the _expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippo- potamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Amana washer $100. owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition $6800
tickle me elmo. new in box. hardly tickled. $700
star wars job of the hut -- $15
full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell.
free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
nordic track $300 - hardly used - call chubbie at:
hummels - largest selection ever - "if it's in stock, we have it!"
get a Little John - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Georgia peaches - california grown - 89 cents lb.
nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
whirlpool built in oven -- frost free!
barbie country ride -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).
notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near southridge storage. please return the pumpkin and be checked. pumpkin may be radioactive. all other plants in vincinity are dead.
joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
free puppies...part german shepherd, part dog
free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.
free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog
german shephard. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks german. free.
cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.
83 toyota hunchback -- $2000
soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents
for sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
bill's septic cleaning "we haul american made products"
american flag - 60 stars - pole included $100
tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? we offer profit sharing and flexible hours. starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs-$175.
our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% italian leather.
alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember
open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
kellogg's pot tarts - $1.99 box
fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
for sale by owner - complete set of encyclopedia britannica. 45 volumes. excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. no longer needed. got married last weekend. wife knows everything.
ground xxxxx: 99 cents lb.
free: farm kittens. ready to eat.
found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be a reward.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean-made kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese-made food processor:
Not to be used for the other use

On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish-made chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who need closure. -- Mark Schmidt
Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.



I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Aaaaah! No! NO! Aaaaaiiiee! Get it offa me! Get it off!! Aieeeergh!"
I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Let's see here... Red on yellow... OK, this one's a King snake, see?"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling in terror like his passengers.

Intuition (n): an uncanny sixth sense which tells people that they are right, whether they are or not.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that people aren't out to get you.
Just because you're you doesn't mean I'm not.

Politicians, like diapers, should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
Heisenberg may have been here.
Error - Keyboard not found.. Press Enter to Continue
Maturity is for those too young to know better
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate

From the perspective of quantum theory, you don't look at light, it looks at you... probably.

Ahh, arrogance and stupidity all in one package. How very efficient! -- Babylon 5
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
All generalizations are false.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

Quotes
"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss

"The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days." -- New Testament
Translation: Laugh and you'll live longer...

There are two ways to live: one is as if nothing is a miracle; the other as if everything is. -- Albert Einstein

"In order to deviate successfully, one has to have at least a passing acquaintance with whatever norm one expects to deviate from." -- Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book

"Claudia, you're the only woman who's accepted me for the man I can't help being..." -- Paul, on Spin City, proposing to Claudia

"For a change, lady luck seemed to be smiling on me. Then again, maybe the fickle wench was just lulling me into a false sense of security while she reached for a rock." -- The Icarus Hunt, by Timothy Zahn


"He (the husband) was trying to help... (with the kids), but... well, you know..." -- Christina Krol

"You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty." -- Henrik Ibsen

"For those of you who like to lie awake nights and worry about things ponder this: the United States Navy will be building an aircraft carrier that will run its communications systems, aircraft launch, and weapons systems using Microsoft Windows-based operating systems." -- TNPCN

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, play solitaire, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -- Robert Heinlein (slightly edited)

"I know that if I just beat my head against the wall long enough, an idea will infallibly result, but there is always the nameless terror that maybe this time the Muse is not merely hitchhiking through Georgia but has been kidnapped, murdered and tumbled into a ditch. Or maybe she's mad at me." -- David Lance Goines, from Goines Posters

Theory vs practice: "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." -- Yogi Berra

"It's important that people should know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for." -- Mary H. Waldrip

I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. -- Lt. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova ("Points of Departure", Babylon 5)

is whether you are paranoid enough. -- Strange Days

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound).

A life with neither misery nor pleasure is an empty, neutral existance... to actively seek nothingness is worse than defeat... how can you admire a human who consciously embraces the bland, the mediocre, and the safe rather than risk the suffering that disappointments can bring? -- Tom Robbins

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -- Bob Ettinger

God is like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He made that person. And he's cooler than that. -- Justine Bateman


I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin

The Wisdom and Weirdness of Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

"Don't try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you with my breakfast cereal every morning." - Zaphod BeebleBrox

"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now." -- Douglas Adams

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

Warning! Humor may be hazardous to your depression!

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three: one to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with the brightly-coloured machine tools.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness
What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

Sign on Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, "AZ State Prison Ahead: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers"
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while