Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'


Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

I was in Safeway the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.

I said to him, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I really wasn't paying attention to where I was going'. The young man said, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy said, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'



I said... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"



"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.


I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.






Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it?
How do you know it's summer in Seattle? Rain's warm?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does one expect the unexpected?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How long is a short story?

How long will a floating point operation float?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

"Quick, stop global warming before all the chocolate melts!"

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What do batteries run on?
What do you mean that 2 years have passed?
What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?

What does ignorant mean?
What does this red button do?
What else can you do at 3:00 am?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happens when none of your bees wax?

What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
When in doubt, think.
When shooting a mime, do you use a silencer?
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry"
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

Where does weight go when you lose it?
Who cares who's on board?
Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why be a man when you can be a success?

Why did you read this?
Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
Why do we say "hot water heater"? [Isn't that redundant?]
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?