Well the doc's have given me 10 more pills to take every day when i went to see them today.
i will start to rattle before long with all the bloody pills i take.

the cold had set my asthma off again big style.

Shamus went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.
Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."...
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shamus.

Six months later the doctor met Shamus on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Always ask for

more than one photo!

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: they take the psycho path.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.


Q: What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: polaroids

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: a stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: nacho cheese.

Q: What do you call santa's helpers?
A: subordinate clauses.

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: frostbite.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: a nervous wreck.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: right where you left him.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: because they have big fingers.

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: you boil the hell out of it.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: because it scares the heck out of the dog.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the titanic?
A: sanka.
Q: And what kind of lettuce?
A: Iceberg.

Q: What is the difference between a harley and a hoover?
A: the location of the dirt bag.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
A: because they wear their belt buckles on their hats.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: tame way, unique up on it.

Q: How are a texas tornado and a tennnessee divorce the same?
A: somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
.... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
.... they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because
.... it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that
.... was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but
.... I just couldn't cut it.


Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just
.... didn't have the thyme.


I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
.... couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found
.... I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
.... Didn't have any patients.


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I
.... Just didn't fit in.


I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
.... Couldn't live on my net income.


Thought about becoming a witch, so I
.... Tried that for a spell.


I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was
.... Just too draining.


I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I
.... Wasn't up to it.


I worked in a blanket factory,
.... but it folded.


So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I
.... Wasn't fit for the job.


Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I
.... Was discharged.


After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was
.... No future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
.... was always the same old grind.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

The Merlin (Maryland) Dialect is spoken by a mixed population which inhabits a triangular area on the western littoral of the Chesapeake Bay, bounded roughly by a line commencing at Towson's Toyota, then westward to Frederick Mall, thence following the western border of the cable TV franchise and the string of McDonalds' along Route 50 to the Bay. All of these lands and the natives thereof are known as the Land of Merlin.

The Land of Merlin is divided further into semi-tribal areas called Cannies "COUNTIES" (e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.). The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny, where the people come on weekends to trade their goods. Because of the numerous words and phrases common to both Merlin Dialect and modern English, linguists have long postulated that there is some kinship between the two.

Speakers of Merlin Dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly because of their voracious appetite for television. However, they invariably refuse to speak standard English, even with outsiders who obviously do not understand a word they say.

Lesson 1. Pronunciation Drill - Listen and Repeat:
Ball Tee More = The City of Baltimore, more commonly known as Balmer, or Baw Duh More
Merlin = Our State
Balmorese = What we're speaking here in our State of Merlin
Allanic = an ocean
Am B'Lance = Takes sick/hurt people to the hospital
Arn = What you do to wrinkled clothes
Arnjuice = from the sunshine tree
Arouwn in all directions = norf, souf, ees, and wess
Aspern = what you take for headaches
Bald = some people like their eggs this way
Bawler = what the plumber calls your furnace
Beeno = a famous railroad
Beero = Bureau (as in FBI or dresser)
Brawl = Broil
Bulled Egg = An egg cooked in water
Calf Lick = bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
Canny = a state gubmit division, such as Anne Arundel or Prince George's
Chest Peak = A large nearby body of water
Chimley = Structure that Santa comes down
Colleyflare = A white vegetable
Crick = Where the warter runs
Downey Owe Shin = Summertime vacation destination of Ocean City, also known as Ayshun City ("Down to the ocean"
Droodle Pork = Druid Hill Park
Drooslem = city in the Holy Land
Duddeney = yes, he does, duddeney?
Elfin = Large pachyderm at zoo
Err = a time measurement of 60 minutes
Excape = Escape
Faren Gins = Red trucks that put out fires
Far place = requires wood
Fard = area between the eyes and the hairline
Farmin = the people who fight fars
Flares = Tulips, roses, daisies, etc...
Ford = opposite of backward
Hairacane = Hurricane
Hi Hon! = How we always say "hello"
Holluntown = Highland Town
Idnit = it is, idnit?
Ignernt = ignorant
Klumya = Rouse's new city (Columbia)
Meer = what you look at in the morning
Munlaw = married to your fodlaw
Nap Lis = State of Merlin capital, Annapolis
Norf Abnew = North Avenue
Numb = a conjunctive 1st person pronoun: "Aw've bin workin six errors numb tarred."
Ole Bay = What our crabs taste like
Oreos = Not a cookie, but our baseball team
Paramore = Power mower
Payment = That strip of cement that you walk on
Pitcher = Picture
Plooshin = let's get it out of the Che! aspeake
PohLeese = Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
Sarn = what a pleece car or Farn Gin makes noise with
Sem Lem = Seven Eleven Convenience Store
Share = Hot water that cleans you in the morning
Slong = "good-bye"
Sore = drainage under the street
Spearmint = experiment
Star Phone = Styrofoam
Tarnado = Tornado
Tarred = What happens when you work too hard
Telly Phone = Telephone
Warsh = What we do with dirty clothes
Warshnin = our nation's capital
Warter = The clear liquid we drink, also known as Wooter
Winders = Those glass things that we look out of
Wooder = what you wrench your hands with
Yerp = Europe
Youz = you all
Zinc = where you wrench your hands or warsh your dishes

Lesson 2. Oral Exercises
Listen and Repeat:

Merlin: Ah herd sarns at sod the hass a bat hunnert toms lass not. Itsem Ann Earl Canny farn gins.
Standard: I heard sirens outside the house about a hundred times last night. It's those Anne Arundel County fire engines.

Merlin: She raider boskle from Droodle Pork to dantan Ballmer wither oz clazed.
Standard: She rode her bicycle from Druid Hill Park to downtown Baltimore with her eyes closed.

Merlin: The Hard Canny Toms sayz the canny cancel pace pained bon ambalances.
Standard: The Howard County Times says the County Council postponed buying ambulances.

Merlin: Pitcher bane seat owen. Weer goon danny ayshun.
Standard: Put your bathing suit on. We're going down to the ocean.

Merlin: Ah sawn ambalance good dan Rosters Tan Raid a bat a huunert molls an air, nit was porn dan rain.
Standard: I saw an ambulance going down Reisterstown Road about a hundred miles an hour, and it was pouring down rain.

Merlin: It spaced a snaid mora. Better pitcher snay tars owen.
Standard: It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Better put your snow tires on.

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
Group of building workers. Its allegedly true and might help to confirm
Your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
Race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
Gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young familys 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
Activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
Around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less
Adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her,
Let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her
Little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important..
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
Her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay
Envelope containing £2 in 10p coins. The little girl took her pay home to
Her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day
To open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink
Listening to the little girl telling her about her work on the building
Site and the fact she had a pay packet.

You must have worked very hard to earn all this, said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.

My goodness gracious, said the cashier, And will you be working on the
House again next week?

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

I think so. Provided those Wankers at Jewsons deliver the F****** bricks….

for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions they might encounter:

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Not overly-intelligent

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
(self-explanatory)

Tighter than bark on a tree
Not very generous

Big hat, no cattle
All talk and no action

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
He has a pretty high opinion of himself

She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
That woman can talk

It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
We really could use a little rain around here

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly
Appearances can be deceptive.

This ain't my first rodeo
I've been around awhile

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Not the most handsome of men

They ate supper before they said grace
Living in sin

Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope
Stop arguing and do as you're told

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Rather prone to boasting

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make em biscuits
You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is

That's a fur piece.
It'll take you awhile to get there

Don't worry 'bout the mule son, just load the wagon
just do your part and I'll do mine

Don't call him a cowboy, till you've seen him ride
Don't judge a book by its cover

She's been rode hard and put away wet
refers to an unnattractive, hard-looking woman

toad choker
a heavy rain

frog strangler
also a heavy rain

finer than frog hair
use anywhere you might use the word "fine"

rarer than hen's teeth
pretty darn rare

tump
to spill, as in "I jes' tumped over mah beer"

coke
Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Sprite, Mountain Dew, Big Red, etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some Texas Wisdom
1 Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
2 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.
3 If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
4 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5 Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
6 There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
7 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
8 Don't squat with your spurs on.
9 It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep
10 Always drink upstream from the herd.
11 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
12 There are 3 kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.