Supposedly-real answers collected from music exams.

The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer was Opus.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concertos.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Expanded Awareness Training: Course Listing
S1100 Creative Suffering
S1101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
S1102 You and Your Birthmark
S1103 Guilt Without Sex
S1104 The Primal Shrug
S1105 Ego Gratification through Violence
S1106 Molding Your Child's Behavior through Guilt and Fear
S1107 Dealing with Post-Realization Depression
S1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
S1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt through Pretense and Ostentation
EC-1 "I Made $100 in Real Estate"
EC-2 Money Can Make You Rich
EC-3 Packaging and Selling Your Child
EC-4 Career Opportunities in El Salvador
EC-5 How to Profit from Your Own Body
EC-7 The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
EC-12 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
EC-13 Looter's Guide to America's Cities
EC-14 How You Can Convert Your Room into a Garage
EC-406 Burglar-proof Your Home With Concrete
EC-409 1000 Other Uses for Your Vacumn Cleaner
EC-412 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
E-202 Creative Tooth Decay
E-203 Exorcism and Acne
E-204 The Joys of Hypochondria
E-205 High Fiber Sex
E-206 Suicide and Your Health
E-207 Biofeedback and How to Stop It
H-101 Skate Yourself to Regularity
H-102 Understanding Nudity
H-103 Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
H-104 Optional Body Functions
H-105 Self-Actualization through Macrame
D-101 How to Draw Genitilia
N-102 Needlecraft for Junkies
C-304 Cuticle Grafts
S-399 Gifts for the Senile
J-234 Bonsai Your Pet
N-345 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
M-102 Sinus Drainage in Your Home
T-456 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
V-909 The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
C-987 Christianity and the Art of RV Maintenance
V-256 xxxxxx: A Game the Whole Family can Play
V-576 Vascectomy Using Your Own Cutlery

Time Limit: 3 Weeks. Pick 3 questions to answer.

1 Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?

2 History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
- or -
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3 Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY?

4 Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5 Metric conversion: How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6 Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7 Religion: How many of the Ten Commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8 Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9 American History: Spell Bush, Carter and Clinton

10 European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one brought George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11 Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12 Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13 Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?

14 Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem of what country?

15 Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16 Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

17 Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18 Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19 Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recom! mendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree.

And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.

You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.

I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY !?!?

You know you're growing older when...

Your sweetie says "Lets go upstairs and make love, and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you"re barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
It takes longer to rest than to get tired
You're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

A few notes about growing older

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

What a difference 30 years can make:

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.


Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Growing pot
Now: Growing pot belly

Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney stones

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Calling the principal's office

Then: Peace sign
Now: Mercedes logo

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

Then: Taking acid
Now: Taking antacid

Then: Passing the driver's test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

At age 85, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.

After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and after a few more minutes, is close to sleep.

But, for the third time, there's a knock at the door and there he is again, fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish one another.

As they're basking in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that, at your age, you have enough energy to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9:00 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable TV for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
AND, people send you this kind of list!!

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............





You're listening to your IPod !