For all you who do or don't have kids...

Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
They have more hair when they are born.
Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave.
Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE'S TOUCHING ME!!!!"
Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.

Dogs don't wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
It doesn't matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
You can cage a dog without going to jail.
Dogs don't "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda.
Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won't laugh at the special effects.

Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than dragging them around in public.
It's OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog
The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why.
Dogs don't roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier.

Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil.
Dogs don't jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you,considerately adding to your warmth.
Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
When Dogs don't listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language.
Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.

No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litterbox. Kids won't even dump the litterbox.
When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don't have to explain that the two of you are "wrestling to see who does the dishes."
Dogs don't grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.

Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1 Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2 No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3 You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4 Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5 No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6 Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7 Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8 Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9 Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10 Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best source of advice is not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Application for Employment at a Veterinary Hospital

1 Do you REALLY think that a vet assistant job consists of petting cute puppies and kittens?

2 Does it bother you to be urinated on?

3 If an animal tried to bite, do you
A Smack it
B Throw yourself between the doctor and the animal
C Run

4 Does the sight of maggots, pus, or blood make you nauseous?

5 Do you mind lifting 100 pounds of dead weight?

6 If you step in poop are you unhappy?

7 How do you feel about leaving work with vomit, anal glands or blood on your clothes. Please answer in 10 words or less.

8 Can you answer phones, take temperatures, draw up vaccines and restrain animals all at the same time?

9 Do you know where to put a thermometer?

10 Are you offended by sudden outbursts of cursing or throwing things?

11 Will your significant other still kiss you hello when you come home covered in hair and smelling like anal glands?

12 Do you realize that a "fecal sample" is something that you take from a dog? It is not something he gives willingly.

13 Do you know what "fecal" means?


If you have answered all these questions and still want the job, then we want you!

A wealthy man decides to take a hunting safari in Africa and takes his faithful dog with him so he doesn't feel so lonely out in the middle of the bush. The first day out on the expedition the dog starts chasing butterflies absentmindedly and before long discovers that he has become separated from the safari group. He starts wandering around in the wilderness, lost, when he suddenly notices a leopard a little way off, heading rapidly in his direction, with the obvious intention of making a meal out of him.

"Now I'm in deep doodoo!" thinks the dog, and starts wracking his brains to figure a way out of his dire situation. He notices some bones nearby, and an idea hits him: He settles down comfortably to chew on the bones, with his back to the leopard. Just as the leopard is about to pounce, the dog exclaims loudly: "Man, that was one delicious leopard I just ate! I wonder if there's any more around here?

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, a look of terror on his face, and quietly slinks off into the bush again, thinking: "Whew! That was close! That demon dog almost got me!".

Meanwhile, a monkey that had been watching the whole scene from the top of a nearby tree, figures he can put his information to good use, and trade it with the leopard for protection. So off he scuttles, but the dog sees him heading after the leopard at great speed, and figures something is going on.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, cuts a deal, and tells him the whole story. The leopard, furious at being fooled so easily, exclaims: "That dog! I'm gonna get him for that! So the stupid dog thinks he can make a fool of me, lord of the wilderness, does he? We'll show him who eats who around here! Come on, monkey: jump on my back, and we'll go get him!" The monkey jumps on, and the two of them head off in search of the dog.

The dog sees the leopard coming from a long way off, this time with the monkey on his back. "What a sneaky little monkey!", thinks the dog to himself. "Now what am I going to do?" But instead of running, the dog sits down on the ground, his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits for them to get close enough to hear him. "Where's that rascal monkey!" exclaims the dog, loudly, "Never can trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

I know - I created them with free will and the first thing they do is get all uptight about That Place, especially when it comes to Me. They act like I've never seen one. Seen 'em all. Enjoy the sniffing!

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Couch, chair, Throne of Grace - wherever. And don't worry about shedding. The apostle John got it all wrong - I didn't cast Satan into a lake of fire: I gave him a dustbuster and am making him vacuum up dog fur for all eternity. Well, that and clean my cats' litter boxes. Now THERE'S eternal torment.

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Why would you want a dog name associated with a car? Cars are unreliable, capricious, ill-natured, constantly breaking down - I'm surprised humans haven't named all their cars after cats. Well, maybe except for Hondas and Toyotas. How about the Honda Retriever or the Toyota Mutt? Remind me to get the Pope to put that in his next encyclical.

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

No, but if you bark your head off in the forest in the Philippines, it makes you dinner.

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Yep. Like you, I like to get a good running start at my dinner.

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

There's maybe one or two mail carriers here, but if memory serves me, considering how lousy the post office's efforts are, I think most postal employees ended up somewhere, um, less hospitable. With dustbusters.

If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Bad dog! What would you rather have: a life of running after stuff, sleeping, eating, barking at things, or one of paying bills, working long hours at a job you don't really care about, waging wars, dealing with politicians, all that? Besides, do you know that humans can't lick themselves clean like you can? (I had to take that out of their design because of the whole uptightness-about-sex-thing.)

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Oh yeah, remind me to mention that to the Pope also.

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

No, but I will expect that you'll let me scratch your belly!

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Two things: diddly and squat. I gave 'em free will, made them the second-most amazing creatures in Creation (next to Yours Truly), put 'em in paradise, and they promptly screwed it up and have chosen to do so in every generation since. This guy Augustine thought that idea of Original Sin had to do with sex, but I know that Original Sin is the passing on of bull-headed stupidity. See the writings of one of my creations by the name of Douglas Adams, and his stuff on dolphins. Makes me fall off my Throne laughing every time I read it!

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Poodle across the street!

Poodles. What the HECK was I thinking when I made the poodle?!? And THEN, humans go and miniaturize them. Creepy! Oh, your question, right. I can't really reveal much at this point (just in case one of you accidentally says something to a human), but let's just say that the humans in the Middle Ages weren't too far off the mark when they named Sirius the Dogstar...

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?

Well, it depends what restaurant you try to get into. The Americans are all uptight about the fur thing in their food. (By the way, I'm doing some alterations to the laws of sub-sub-atomic physics to make it so that dog fur in food tastes just like chicken.) Some restaurants are so noisy that it would be enough to drive even you dogs away, and need I remind you that if you went into some restaurants in the Far East, you'd end up on the menu?

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

Sorry, guy, but even I have to respect the great Bob Barker's admonition to "have your pet spayed or neutered." Good bye, everybody!

So, What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

And, What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.