3 Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Small Gas Problems
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, smells terrible."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Remember What?
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thank the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you will forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Relations
An elderly couple were sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

Will I live to be 80 ???
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a hoot if you live to be 80?

Older-Looking than You!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely i can't look that old?" Well... you'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought this balding, gray-haired man with the deeply-lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm,...or could he???

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "in 1959. why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-b. asked, "What did you teach?"

Silent Advice
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"

Her husband leaned over to her and replied, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Senior Ailments
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can all still drive."

When I'm 100, If I Lean A Little, Let Me!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.
"They won't let me fart."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month. "

Remember the quote: Age, experience and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.