IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER ENTERING THE AREA:

1 That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2 It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3 We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4 Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.
5 Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6 Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7 If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8 That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9 No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10 You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11 So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12 Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13 Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14 Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15 They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. 16 Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate 29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16 The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17 So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18 Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19 That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and go home.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others
- they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things,
and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the butts are permanent.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.
Who knows,maybe something good will happen.

If not... tough.

25 things I have learned in 50 years (supposedly by Dave Barry)


1 The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2 You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

3 People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4 The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6 A penny saved is worthless.

7 They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8 The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9 The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10 There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11 There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12 People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13 There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14 Nobody is normal.

15 At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
The universe is even bigger than they thought!
There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

17 The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18 The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability
If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19 If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20 You should not confuse your career with your life.

21 A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22 No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23 When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24 Your friends love you anyway.

25 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.





todays Quote.

"Oh, you hate your job?
Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey

Idiots at Work
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Idiots and Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:""Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

Idiots and Computers
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots are Easy to Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots in Food Service
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

An Idiot's Idiot
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Idiots at Work
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

Idiots at Work 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed here.

Just Sad...
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to the Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left the Wells Fargo.The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.


Idiots in Local Government
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

Idiots in Pain
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Idiots in Crime
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Idiots in Positions of Authority
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiots in Auto Repair
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Idiots at the Corner
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

Idiots in Service
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).


Idiot Bosses
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

Idiots and Power
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.



todays Quote.
'Have you tried re-installing?' is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp.

Motto of the Bomb Squad:

If you see us running, you'd better catch up.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said: "Let there be light!" And there was still nothing, but you could see it. -- Unknown

From a distance, it is impossible to tell if an administrator associated with your project is sitting on his hands or covering his butt. -- Unknown

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken

The scientist does not study nature because it is useful; he studies it because he delights in it, and he delights in it because it is beautiful. If nature were not beautiful, it would not be worth knowing, and if nature were not worth knowing, life would not be worth living. -- Jules Henri Poincaré

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." --Groucho Marx

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson

"If I had not been a monk, I would have become an engineer." -- The Dalai Lama

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." -- Bill Vaughan

"Never interrupt someone doing something you said couldn't be done." -- Amelia Earhart

Mowery's Observation: "It's hard to make things foolproof because fools are so darn ingenious." -- Dave Mowery

A foolish man speaks before he thinks, a wise man thinks before he speaks, but a godly man lets his life speak for him. -- author unknown

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." -- Forrest Gump

Hang on to any of the new State of West Virginia quarters. If you have any, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the West Virginia quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the West Virginia quarter, which was created by a West Virginia University graduate," Shackleford said.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Bloomburg News Service:
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

There is no mechanical or electronic problem so difficult that it can not be solved by brute force and ignorance.

Life is short, make fun of it.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Sales Term What it Really Means
New = Different color from previous design
All-New = Parts not interchangeable with previous design
Exclusive = Imported product
Unmatched = Almost as good as the competition
Designed simplicity = Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
Foolproof operation = No provision for adjustments
Advanced design = The advertising agency doesn't understand it
It's here at last! = Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
Field-tested = Manufacturer lacks test equipment
High accuracy = Unit on which all parts fit
Direct sales only = Factory had big argument with distributor
Years of development = We finally got one that works
Revolutionary = It's different from our competitors
Breakthrough = We finally figured out a way to sell it
Futuristic = No other reason why it looks the way it does
Distinctive = A different shape and color than the others
Maintenance-free = Impossible to fix
Re-designed = Previous faults corrected, we hope...
Hand-crafted = Assembly machines operated without gloves on
Performance proven = Will operate through the warranty period
Meets all standards = Ours, not yours
All solid-state = Heavy as Hell!
Broadcast quality = Gives a picture and produces noise
High reliability = We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE bus compatible = When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
New/Next generation = Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-Spec components = We got a good deal at a government auction
Customer service across the country = You can return it from most airports
Unprecedented performance = Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
Built to precision tolerances = We finally got it to fit together
Satisfaction guaranteed = Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
Microprocessor controlled = Does things we can't explain
Latest aerospace technology = One of our techs was laid off by Boeing