Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in your Home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
Dating (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. "
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for all Occasions

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following

period:

Time of return

Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the

stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak

to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile

after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for

a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if

permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me

the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited

Females with whom conversation

is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I

promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic

dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of

the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree

it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost

me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards

whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I

not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger,

nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not

to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up,

breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half),

the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife: __________________________

I’m going out.

Signed: (me) _______________________________________

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You've never, ever, eaten okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "yous guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
You think that more money should go to important scientific research at your university, than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertises feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You don't know what applique is.
You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Don, & et al.)
You do know what "et al" means.
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can do your laundry without quarters.
AND

None of your fur coats are homemade.

1 Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2 Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3 If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4 You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

5 Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

6 Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

7 Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

8 Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

9 Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

10 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

11 Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

12 Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

13 If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

14 If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

15 Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, its the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

16 In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

17 Whenever you hear the words "Come over here an' look at this before I flush it!" Don't look.

18 If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

19 If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

20 If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

21 Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.
22 Chili does NOT have beans in it.
23 Briskit is not 'cooked' in an oven
24 Bourbon is a food group and beer is the 5th element
25 Duct tape: it ain't just for duct's

26 Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
27 There are no delis. Don't ask.
28 If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
29 We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
30 A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

31 If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.
32 If you fail to heed my warning in #31 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.
33 Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daquiri. What you really mean to say is 'margarita.'
34 DON'T DO IT
35 The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

36 The four food groups are Beer, Bread, Beef and Gravy
37 BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
38 No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
39 "Tea" == Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
40 Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

41 Be advised that in the South, 'He needed killin!', is a valid defense.

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.
Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don't come from the store.
The War of Northern Aggression was over states rights, not slavery.
When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker".
The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".
The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

"Hey yunz guyz!" is a greeting.
You get time off of work/school for the entire three-day doe season.
One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn's Cave and Horseshoe curve.
You know exactly what to do when your mother tells you to "red up" your room.
You know the time and location of every "wing night" in a 20 mile radius.

You don't think people from Philly or Pittsburgh talk funny.
You don't understand all the hype about Rolling Rock beer; you've been drinking it for years even though Iron City is better.
You consider an exotic vacation to be a trip to Ocean City, Virginia Beach, or Myrtle Beach.
You are over 35 yrs. old, have never been outside of Pennsylvania and don't see any need to leave.
You own only three spices: "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup." (or possibly A-1 and Heinz 57 sauces)

You design your children's Halloween costumes to fit over a snow suit.
Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You find 20 degrees just a little chilly.
You can recite the four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
Words like "hoagie", "chipped ham", and "pop" actually mean something to you.

You can use the phrase "fire-hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.
You think very little of an Amish buggy on the road.
You learned long ago how to "step carefully" around the buggy tie-ups in the supermarket parking lot.
You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as "PA". How many other states do that?
You can go 2 weeks in winter without sunshine and think this is normal.

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Bird-in-Hand, Mars, Venus, and Slippery Rock are all PA towns.
You actually got all these jokes and are forwarding them to your PA friends.

You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.